Vinnie VaRoom

250 Decibel Lane

Anytown, Maine

Dear Mr. VaRoom:

I'm writing to inform you that at long last, your days of disturbing the way life should be appear to be numbered.

I know, it could be a month or more before the Portland City Council gets around to voting on an ordinance aimed at putting a lid on the noise you and your buddies like to make whenever you roar into town on your Harleys with the tailpipes as hollow as an empty Campbell's soup can.

I also know that the Maine Legislature took a pass last spring on a bill sponsored by state Rep. Diane Russell, D-Portland, that would have cracked down on your eardrum-busting antics from Kittery to Fort Kent. (Russell, by the way, promises she'll be back.)

And, yes, I'm well aware that you guys are vowing to fight this thing all the way to the Supreme Court if that's what it takes to protect this assault on your un-muffled manhood. (Not to get too personal, VaRoom, but are you aware there are pills for that kind of thing?)

But trust me. You and your fellow straight-pipers can't win this fight. And here's why.

For starters, beyond the occasional knuckle-dragging pedestrian who thinks loud is cool, you're driving the vast majority of us crazy.

When I last complained about this a couple of years ago, I was swamped with calls, letters and e-mails from readers who (like me) think guys like you have problems that go way beyond your obvious need to be noticed. (By the way, that rhinestoned leather vest with no shirt underneath? Not working.)

The problem back then was that nobody could – or would – do anything about it.

Sure, Maine has long had a state law that specifically prohibits monkeying with the muffler to make your bike louder. But state and local police all told me back in 2007 that without a decibel meter in every cruiser, enforcing the statute was virtually impossible.

Ah, but now, VaRoom, there's an easier way.

Since 1983, the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency law has required that any new motorcycle sold in the United States contain a stamp and/or label certifying that sound coming from the bike's exhaust system does not exceed federal noise standards. The law has gathered dust (or is it soot?) for more than a quarter-century because, like Maine's state law, nobody has seen fit to enforce it.

No longer.

Portland's proposed ordinance, which has already received a unanimous thumbs-up from the council's Public Safety Committee, would simply require that you and your fellow bikers have the EPA certification on your motorcycle if and when you're pulled over by a police officer.

No decibel meters. No cupped ears. No curbside arguments over what "too loud" means. Either you have the label or you don't – case closed.

The fine would range from a minimum $50 to $500 for the fourth offense, although City Councilor Dan Skolnik plans an amendment that would waive the fine for the first infraction. (Some people are just too nice.)

And get this, VaRoom. Portland is far from alone.

Out in Denver, Colo., a noise ordinance based on the EPA certification has been working like a charm since it took effect two years ago.

"They've really got to be calling attention to themselves in order to be pulled over," said Paul Riedesel, Denver's noise inspector. "But if they're doing that, we'll oblige them."

Denver's penalties are much steeper than those proposed in Portland: The fine ranges from $500 for a first offense (with $350 suspended if you quickly bring the motorcycle into compliance) to a whopping $999 for the third offense.

"It works well," Riedesel said. "The labels are either there or they're not there."

The result? The number of citations has dropped to about a half-dozen so far this summer. So have the complaints that used to pour into Riedesel's office.

"I'm just happy nobody's calling me...