We're nearing that special time of year when Maine's population swells as people come out of hibernation and outsiders arrive to stake their claim to Vacationland.

The signs are already popping up around Portland, with a first wave featuring shirtless dudes and skateboarders.

With the high-cash season looming, there is no better time for Portland's bars and clubs to update their standards.

The Nightlife Oversight Committee, a collection of bar owners from the Old Port and Arts District, adopted "Responsible Bar Management Guidelines" in April.

Committee members have taken their share of flak – possibly because all the city's social ills somehow get linked to the Old Port – and wanted to put themselves on proper footing (possibly before the city feels the need to step in).

There's no doubt the rules are aimed at crushing the Old Port's reputation as an oversexed, booze-soaked rodeo where no drink is too far out of bounds.

The new guidelines are admirable and include everything from prohibiting drinking games and selling liquor below cost to banning customers for at least three months from bars where they start fights.

Other guidelines, such as having the bar and the band in different rooms, not allowing the band to drink, and getting rid of the term "bouncer" in favor of "security," while odd, are well-intentioned.

But if I could throw on my "bar staff" shirt for a second, I think there are a few other regulations that could help.

Presentation: Time to say goodbye to beer buckets. The ice melts too fast, and along with it the savings. No buckets of anything unless it's buffalo wings.

Presentation Part II: If a "uniform" for a waitress doesn't have room for pockets, or if it could be confused with a Halloween costume, it may be time to rethink the staff's look.

Restrooms: Clean. Please.

Entertainment: No riding mechanical animals of any kind. This includes bulls, horses, moose, pandas and alpacas.

TV: Place one staffer in charge of TV sports schedules at all times. No one wants to come in and see a PGA Skins Game or college baseball when the NBA playoffs or Red Sox and Yankees are on.

Shots: The test tube was designed for chemistry class, science fiction movies and hospitals. No one wants to drink a shot out of one, especially if it's bright yellow or pink.

Beer: Isn't it time to ban all beer not brewed in the Northeast? Buy local(ish). (Exceptions can be made for one legacy beer – Miller High Life, PBR or Budweiser. Choose carefully.)

Music: Limit replays of Dr. Dre's "Gin and Juice," Will Smith's "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It" and House of Pain's "Jump Around." Also, ban any remotely depressing music – no one wants to hear Pearl Jam's "Jeremy" in the middle of a good time.

Music Part II: For every two '80s nights that take place, at least one '90s night should be scheduled.

Cover charge: If it's midnight or after, it's probably time to stop charging, right?

Beverages: Before offering up the new lime-flavored alco-soda of the month, ask yourself, "Would I drink this?"

Restrooms: Clean bathrooms. Seriously. No one wants to walk into a swamp when they really have to go.

Capacity: While many clubs are wary of gangs, it may be wise to limit the number of bachelor and bachelorette parties on the premises at the same time. The potential for disaster increases with each Jell-o shot.

Smoking: Ban smoking on patios, decks or in front of establishments. Oh, wait, never mind. The City Council is on top of that.

Staff Writer Justin Ellis can be contacted at 791-6380 or at:

jellis@pressherald.com