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They need an office like this to offer relief when a conservative who doesn't know his place speaks out.

M.D. Harmon February 29, 2008

 

— The head of the state's least-known government office pushed the intercom button summoning his chief assistant.

"Raul, come to my office, would you?" he asked. "We've just been handed a very important case and I need your advice on it."

"Be right there, chief," came the reply, and a minute later the top aide to the director of the Maine Bureau of Public Censure stepped into his superior's office.

"Close the door, Raul," said the director. "I need your discretion on this one."

"What's up, boss? Usually you let me handle most things on my own."

"True, but this is a very special case. It's a 502-AS."

Raul let out a low whistle. "Gee, a Committing Christianity in Public complaint, boss? And elevated to Aggravated Status, too! We don't get very many of those these days."

With a sigh, the director settled back in his chair.

"You're right, Raul, but this came from the highest possible outside source, and it's particularly egregious. It's Designated Offender No. 1 again."

A dark look came into the aide's eyes, and between compressed lips he spat out the hissed name, "Heath!"

"Yes," his boss confirmed. "He really stepped over the line on this one, and we've really got to make an example of him once and for all."

"I assume we can dispense with the usual assumption-of-innocence-until-proven-guilty garbage with him again this time, right? Boy, I wish we were in Canada, where people like this can be fined, or forced to take re-education courses, or even tossed in jail."

"Sadly, we're not that advanced yet. But even so, Raul, you know that civil rights stuff doesn't apply to us. We're not a law-enforcement agency.

"As our charter plainly states, we try people based on our own standards, not those of some archaic 'justice' system. We base our conclusions entirely on our own subjective viewpoints, on whether or not what someone has done offends us and us alone. We're judge, jury and punishers, all in one."

"Uh, boss, I knew that."

"I know, but it deserves to be said often, until we pound it in that there is no appeal from our decisions, and no possible defense that can be offered to protect anyone from them."

"So, what has Michael Heath done this time?"

"The usual. Some of our allies in Portland decided that middle-school kids deserved the full benefit of enlightened social policies regarding their rights to be sexually active without any interference from their parents.

"So, Heath dared to say on his organization's Web site that his religion's holy book contained a passage with this 'Jesus' character saying that anyone who violated the 'innocence' of children would be better off if 'a millstone were hung around his neck and he were drowned in the depths of the sea.'"

"Wow! A threat if I ever heard one! He made it up, right?"

"Well, no, it's actually in there. But it's not like there's a chance these kids have any innocence left after our culture has gotten through with them."

"Not hardly. What would you want me to do?"

"I'm looking for a possible sanction. We have to crimp this Bible-quoting stuff in the bud, or who knows where it will end up. Got any new ideas?"

"Gee, this is a toughie. This guy has survived pretty much everything we've thrown at him. But there are some possibilities we haven't tried yet with him, like a C-932."

"What's that?"

"We call it the Legislative Cock-A-Snook. All the liberals in the State House gather on the steps outside, put their thumbs to their noses and wiggle their fingers in the general direction of the Person to be Censured."

"Hmmm. I like it, but it's a bit overdone. What else is there?"

"We could try a C-101, the Scottish Salute, like in the movie Braveheart? We get a bunch of guys in traditional Highland garb to all line up, turn away, bend over, grab the hems of their kilts and..."

"OK,...