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BILL NEMITZ July 15, 2007

SOUTH HIRAM — He's not afraid of competition. When he attended the Ossipee Valley Fair last year, Curtis Thurston had no qualms whatsoever about entering the watermelon-seed- spitting contest and, as they say, giving it his best shot.

But this year was different. A sign at the fair's novelty tent Thursday proclaimed the contest canceled because why?

"Seedless watermelons," explained novelty events organizer Paul Hopkins. "We looked everywhere and could not score a single watermelon with seeds."

So there Curtis sat with his wife, Sandy, and his in-laws, Eugene and Betty Ann Irish, waiting for a little lighthearted entertainment. Something whimsical. Something feel-good.

Something like The Laughing Contest.

"It's simple," explained Hopkins as the tent slowly filled with locals and tourists alike. "You get 15 seconds to impress the judges."

There are judges? How do they decide the winners?

"Whatever floats their boat," replied Hopkins.

No benchmarks? No criteria like loudness or pitch or chuckles- per-second? No points for body language?

"No," Hopkins said. While other events -- the skillet throw, the egg toss, the frog jump, pie eating -- all offer yardsticks of one sort or another to determine a winner, The Laughing Contest comes straight from the gut -- folks know a good laugh when they hear one.

"It's best not to tinker with that kind of stuff," said Hopkins.

Fair enough. Let the merriment begin.

Pity poor Markus Davis, first up in the under-6 age group. Teeth clenched, hands wringing, he found nothing funny about standing in front of all these people until Hopkins pulled him close and whispered a few words of encouragement in his ear.

"Hhhhnngg...hhhnnggg...hhhnnng..." went Markus, teeth still clenched, hands working a mile a minute. "Hhhhnngg...hhhnnggg...hhhnnng..."

The crowd loved him. Markus loved the crowd. Before he knew it, his time was up.

Waiting in the wings were the brothers Fitzgerald, Connor and Justin.

Connor: "Ahhh-hahhh! Ahhh-hahhh! Ahhh (gulp) hahhh!"

"Better check that guy," advised Hopkins as Connor returned to his seat. "I think he swallowed his laugh."

No such problem for little brother Justin. Strutting into the ring, he wheeled around, stared back at the crowd and let fire: "Ha- hah-ha! Hah-hah-hah! Hah-ha-hah!"

Done.

It took Justin only four seconds, but it would go on to win him the blue ribbon. Connor would place third. In between was Adam Hufstetler of South Carolina, who laughed himself red in the face and might have won had he not tried first to greet the judges with a fistful of dollar bills.

"The South may rise again," protested Hopkins, waving off the bribe. "But it's not going to happen here."

Next up were the 7-to-10 year olds. Megan Hebert nailed third place with a perfectly undulating squeak that left Hopkins wondering if "somebody let the mice loose."

Second place went to Desiree Wright, who jump-started herself with an obviously forced chuckle and then cruised seamlessly, with the audience in tow, into 12 seconds of tightly controlled hysteria.

But there was nothing controlled about the first-place finisher, Lynn Hebert (Megan's sister). The moment the stopwatch started ticking, her eyes lit up, her body began to shake and she laughed and laughed and laughed.

What possibly could have been so funny? What was Lynn thinking about those 15 seconds?

"Nothing," she replied with a polite smile, blue ribbon firmly in hand.

It turns out the Heberts, who live in West Baldwin, just like to laugh. Still, some would say the sound that came out of older brother Corey's mouth -- good enough for second in the 11- to-13 group -- was not exactly laughing.

"I had a Ford that wouldn't start once," noted Hopkins. "It made a sound just like that."

No matter. Corey later said that cracking up in front of 100 or so people isn't all that hard if "you just kind of forget anyone's there...