Peg Libby had been a development director for a nonprofit organization for 19 years when she found her new calling.

She was at a Little League game when she struck up a conversation with a family law attorney who told her about a new project - creating a place where families going through separation and divorce could go to learn coping skills and get emotional support.

The attorney picked her brain about what they should be looking for in an executive director, then asked her to come and speak to the organizers of the Kids First Center in Portland. The group asked her back three times, and as she got more involved, she realized that she wanted the job herself. The center opened in January 1998, and Libby has never looked back.

''It's been the most wonderful experience for me,'' she said. ''It's just been a good match, I think.''

The Kids First Center offers classes that teach parents how to put their children first when they are going through a separation or divorce. There are support groups, too, where kids are encouraged to talk about their feelings and put together lists of things they want their parents to know about divorce. On the list: Don't break promises. No nasty comments in front of the kids.

The center also holds workshops for attorneys and mental-health professionals, and offers programs for newly blended stepfamilies. An intensive, nine-week course targets parents who are in ''high conflict.'' Parents must be referred to that program by a judge, a sign things have gotten a little out of control.

''They get to the point where they can't make decisions around what's best for their children without visiting the courts,'' Libby said.

There are Kids First programs in 12 locations throughout the state, and two in California. There is a fee charged for the courses, which are taught by professionals, but no one is ever turned away for lack of ability to pay.

Libby, who lives on the West End with her husband, Joe Novak, recently sat down to answer a few questions about the Kids First program and talk about the impact of divorce on children:

Q: Is the divorce rate in Maine about the same as the national rate?

A: Yes, it is. About half the marriages in the country end in divorce.

Q: What does the latest research say about the effect of separation and divorce on children?

A: I believe that how well a child gets through their parents' separation and divorce has everything to do with their parents. Their job as parents does not end, it just gets more complicated. When people divorce with children, they will continue, if they are good co-parents, to have a relationship with that other parent forever. That is really, for the most part, in the best interest of the child, unless of course there is abuse. We believe that kids really deserve a good relationship with both their parents. And that means that parents need to create a relationship called a co-parenting relationship, and it means communicating frequently. It means supporting the relationship with the other parent. It means nuts-and-bolts stuff like not bad-mouthing the other parent in front of the child. I think research shows that divorce is a big deal to kids, almost always, and it doesn't matter what age the child is. But children do get through it, and their ability to get through it in a healthy fashion really depends on their parents.

Q: Do you think most parents are aware of how divorce affects their kids? Or do you tend to get a population that's self-selected?

A: A lot of judges and magistrates are actually mandating people to come. I think one of our jobs is to help parents understand that even really good parents don't always understand the importance of the co-parenting relationship with the childrens' other parent. And even the sisters and the grandmothers and the aunts and the uncles need to support the relationship with the other parent, and that isn't always the case. They sort of take the side of the one that they're related to, and yes, it's wonderful to have a sister or somebody that you can say ''This is awful'' and ''I hate his guts, and I never want to see him again,'' but never should that be done in front of the child. And never should an aunt say, ''Well, your father was just a bum, or your mother was, you know, stupid.''

Q: Is that because, to the child, that parent is a part of them, so when you're criticizing the parent you're criticizing them?

A: Absolutely. And it creates a loyalty bind. If I say to you, ''Your dad has always been a bum, ''first of all you feel like ''well, maybe I'm a bum, too, and maybe she thinks I'm a bum.'' Or, ''You think my is dad a bum? Should I tell him?'' Loyalty binds are huge for kids in a divorce. They don't even want to come home and tell one parent that they had a good time at the other parent's house. And they certainly don't want to be grilled about what happened at the other parent's house. They should be given permission to love both their parents and have a relationship with both their parents.

Our main course is called the Kids First program, and that is the one where most parents begin their relationship with the Kids First Center. And it is a psychoeducational course. It's not therapy, and it's not counseling. Our groups are led by a team of a man and a woman. One is from a mental health background and the other is usually from a legal background. And that is what is kind of different about Kids First: We do have a collaborative partnership between the two disciplines - mental health and the legal profession.

We're asking a lot of parents. We really are asking, in some ways, for them to communicate possibly better than they did as a married couple.

Q: It's sort of generally thought that kids tend to think a divorce is their fault. Is it true that they usually place the blame on themselves?

A: They very often do. If they had kept their rooms cleaner, if they hadn't fought with their siblings, if they'd gotten better grades. And it's one of the things we talk about in the Kids First program, is making sure that you reassure your children that divorce is never their fault. And also making sure that adult things about divorce are taken care of between the adults and not shared with the children. You might say, ''We're not going to go to Disney World this year, we're going to do something else instead.'' But you don't say ''Well, your father hasn't come through with the child support, and we're living on half of what we did before.'' Or ''Your father ran off with his secretary and that's why we're in this mess.'' You don't share adult business with children, even adult children. Several of our presenters are children of divorce, and one of our presenters told us that one of his parents called him and said, ''Now that you're nearly 40 years old, I want to tell you what really happened during the divorce.'' And he said, ''I don't want to know. You talk to your therapist about it, but I don't want to know, and I never want to know.''

Q: Are there differences in the way that young children handle a divorce versus, say, a teenager?

A: Absolutely. It has a lot to do with where children are developmentally. Little kids want to know who's going to pick me up from day care? Where am I going to sleep? Is somebody going to pack my lunch? Very basic things. Teenagers are oftentimes embarrassed about the whole situation, and they oftentimes have a hard time putting into words what they're feeling. Teenage kids, also, the relationship that they have with their friends is really important, so they're impacted a lot if one parent says, ''Well, I have you every weekend.'' If there's a big party on Saturday night that this teenager wants to go to and dance, then maybe that parent is going to have to say, ''I understand how important that is to you, and we'll work on another time. I really want to see you, I love you, but I know that Saturday night you're not going to be able to be with me.'' Parents who are able to do that give such a gift to their children.

Q: What kinds of things do kids learn in the Kids First programs that help them cope?

A: We try to reassure them that they've got what it takes to get through it. In one of the exercises, we talk about the different people that you could talk to. Could you talk to your sister? Could you talk to the school social worker? Grandmother? What do you do that makes yourself feel better? And they'll do lists - I shoot hoops or I go to gymnastics or I read a book or I listen to music or I invite a friend over.

We try to help them understand that there are lots of other children going through it. Even though half the kids who sit in a classroom probably are affected by divorce, they feel really isolated.

Q: I would think that some of these skills would help them later in life, too.

A: Yes, and building self-esteem, too. And also, giving language to children, how to speak respectfully to their parents about ''I'm uncomfortable asking Dad that question, could you call Dad and ask him?'' Keeping themselves out of the middle. That's not the best, I'd rather parents didn't do it in the first place, but to help kids have a language where they can respectfully stay out of the middle.

Q: What are some mistakes that parents make when they are trying to usher their child through this experience?

A: Some of the mistakes that they make are sharing too much information, rushing a child through the process. We get calls around the Christmas holiday, and parents will say, ''I think we'll tell the children over the Christmas break because then there will be two weeks before they have to go back to school.'' And we say please, please don't do that. Number one, two weeks is really not enough time, and number two, they will always associate that holiday with the break-up of the family.

Other mistakes parents make: Putting the kids in the middle, using them as messengers. Not being emotionally available. Parents really need to take care of themselves so they can take care of their children. Separating children. Generally speaking, to separate siblings is not a good idea. We have children tell us ''I've just lost my mother and father living together, now I'm going to lose my sister too?''

Q: On the more positive side, are there things parents do to make things easier?

A: I think definitely they should avail themselves of services like Kids First. Our whole center is devoted to helping them through the transition, and helping them ever after if they need us. I always say, we're not pro-moms, we're not pro-dads, we're pro-kids. Looking into individual therapy for their children and themselves. Making sure they are doing some self care. Watching substance abuse. Trying to maintain as much consistency as possible with routine. I think some parents feel guilty, so they really start to slack off in the discipline department. Kids really want some boundaries and some barriers, and if parents are really co-parenting successfully, they'll be talking about the fact that the prom is Saturday night, and she's going to be at your house, and what is your expectation for her arrival home? You know, that sort of united front.

Staff Writer Meredith Goad can be contacted at 791-6332, or at mgoad@pressherald.com