COLUMN: Bill Nemitz

Wonder how Ann Coulter fills her books?

Copyright © 2006 Blethen Maine Newspapers Inc.

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Rrring!

Shrill voice: Who is it? Whattya want?

Me: Ann Coulter, please.

SV: You've got her. Who's this?

Me: Oh . . . hello, Ms. Coulter. This is the Portland Press Herald/Maine Sunday Telegram. We're calling to ask why your new book, "Godless: The Church of Liberalism" includes a sentence that matches almost verbatim one from our newspaper.

SV: Who is this really? Is that you, Al Franken?

Me: No, ma'am. It's true. You see, back in 1999, we asked our readers what they thought were Maine's top news stories for the 20th century. One ballot entry went like this: "The massive Dickey-Lincoln Dam, a $227 million hydroelectric project proposed on upper St. John River, is halted by the discovery of the Furbish lousewort, a plant believed to be extinct."

SV: So what?

Me: Well, on page 5 of "Godless," you wrote: "The massive Dickey-Lincoln Dam, a $227 million hydroelectric project proposed on upper St. John River in Maine, was halted by the discovery of the Furbish lousewort, a plant previously believed to be extinct."

SV: You lobotomized little liberal media creep. Are you calling me a plagiarist?

Me: Excellent question. But after much deliberation, the consensus here is that lifting one factual sentence out of a daily newspaper isn't really plagiarism.

SV: Hallelujah. Now bug off.

Me: Still, we find it a bit strange that someone like you, being a cable TV talking head and all, would have to poach from our newspaper to fill your book. I mean when you wrote in your book that the 9/11 widows are "harpies" and just last week said the editor of The New York Times should be executed by a firing squad, you didn't sound like someone who has trouble speaking extemporaneously.

SV: Drop dead.

Me: See what I mean?

SV: So, if you're not accusing me of plagiarism, why are you bothering me? I've got calls backed up from Larry King to Bill O'Reilly, and here I am talking to some podunk newspaper in Maine! What'd you say your name was . . . Lincoln Dickey?

Me: No, that would have been the name of the dam. And it's Dickey-Lincoln.

SV: Whatever!

Me: We're just curious about a couple of things. First, how did you find this 6-year-old sentence in the first place? And second, you don't note that the Dickey-Lincoln project was killed way back in 1976. Haven't liberals offended you more recently than that?

SV: Wait a minute, are you getting testy on me?

Me: No, that was Matt Lauer on the "Today" show.

SV: That's it. I want to talk to your editor.

Me: Sorry, you can't.

SV: Why not?

Me: Because this is what you call a fictional phone call. You see, I've tried and tried to reach you, but you haven't called back. (I got close once, but your publicist said you lost your voice from talking too much, which we agreed was ironic.) So I figured since this newspaper is already in the business of putting words in your mouth, we might as well have a little fun while we're at it.

SV: I think you're out of your mind.

Me: Wow, now that's truly weird.

SV: What now?

Me: All summer long, that's exactly what we've been saying about you.

Click.

Columnist Bill Nemitz can be contacted at 791-6323 or at:

bnemitz@pressherald.com