What a sweet line-up of new releases on DVD.

An Oscar winner, a million dollar dud and a comedy wrapped in a commentary.

Here to make sense of it all as always is Videoport Jones.

The Reader

Videoport Jones: "First, and before the sniping begins in earnest, I'd like to say that I love Kate Winslet, I respect Kate Winslet, I lust after Kate Winslet, and I'm glad she finally got that Oscar that's been dodging her like Walter Payton on a breakaway run for so long. That being said, 'The Reader' is this year's example of an above-average prestige film elevated, through studio pressure (think 'The English Patient') and, again, a rather lackluster movie year in 2008, to classic-y status it doesn't deserve. It's not a bad film, just an ordinary one, and Katie's performance, although not her best, is typically inhabited and impressive. Plus she gets to trot out an accent (German, in this case), which is the Streepian path to Oscar glory in much the same way that tubbing out is the DeNiro-esque one (now, if only someone had the balls to pull out the Streepian/DeNiro-esque double play...man, Oscar would wet himself). I dunno, I also find it deliciously appropriate that Kate finally won her Oscar for doing a Holocaust film, considering her hilarious self-parodistic role as herself on 'Extras' where she outlines just that very Oscar-bait strategy as to why she was making a Holocaust film. I can't be the only one who noticed that, right?"

Justin: "You are ignoring a very simple fact here my friend: Kate Winslet's boobs. Don't get me wrong, I also think she is a talented actress who has impressive range (drama to comedy, all she needs now is a musical, or maybe a superhero flick), but this film was not just 'Kate Winslet in a Holocaust movie,' it was "Kate Winslet in a Holocaust movie where she also happens to get nekked.' I'm not trying to be creepy guy, I'm just pointing out the salient facts. Call me jaded, but I think that sways the Oscar squad. That said, I will also agree with you that the Oscar field was crowded in mediocrity. Not that they were bad films, but was there one that stood out or towered above the rest?"

The Spirit

VPJ: "Take Frank Miller (comic book god and co-director of the very similar-looking 'Sin City') and give him free rein to reimagine Will Eisner's venerable, titular two-fisted comics hero, and throw in Samuel L. Jackson as the villain...what could go wrong, right? Wrong. So so wrong. Manoman, was it an absolute chore to trudge through this one. The problems? Let me enumerate: 1. The tone: Miller seems to be going for a mix of goofball camp parody and 'Sin City' grit. The result is a muddled mishmash that robs the enterprise of any momentum; too goofy to thrill, too dark to chuckle at. Just a mess. 2. Gabriel Macht. Who? Exactly. Now, I'm not saying that they should've cast someone famous, or expected, or charismatic. Well, maybe that last one. Macht isn't helped by the aforementioned tonal blurriness, but he doesn't bring things into focus any either. Think Billy Campbell in 'The Rocketeer', but less so. Ouch. 3. Scarlett Johansson, Eva Mendes. Why are these women famous again? Mendes at least is recognized for her inherent mediocrity, but ScarJo? Here, as in, oh, everything ever, she's a dead space on the screen, her bored monotone expressing exactly nothing. She can't do comedy, she can't do drama- she's a blank. The stolid efforts of the competent Sarah Paulson and the admittedly welcome gyrations of the lovely Paz Vega (in a be-sequinned bikini no less) are welcome enough, but can't compensate. 4. Sammy, Sammy, Sammy. Sure, he looks like he's having some fun as he dresses up in Nazi togs, murders kittens, and whangs the hero with a toilet bowl, but, well, he's the only one. Sam should bust out of 'yelly mode' sometime and see if he can still actually create a character. I think the last time was 2001's 'The Caveman's Valentine'."

JE: "This one hurt so, so much. The comic is a delight, plain and simple, a throwback to the days of the pulp heroes and matinee action and drama. I always imagined a 'Spirit' movie having something in common with the original 'Indiana Jones,' a sort of campy, light-hearted romp with tones of set pieces. This was not that. In fact, I don't know what the hell this is. I love Frank Miller, 'Batman Year One' and 'The Dark Knight Returns' are some of my favorite comics. And while hedonistically violent, I thought 'Sin City' was a good movie. The tone worked well in that film, but I could not see the need for it from the beginning with 'Spirit.' None of it really made sense to me and it just makes me sad. Did it reall have to be this way? Was there no one who thought 'maybe we shouldn't let Frank run wild?' Or were '300' and 'Sin City' the check that just keeps cashing? It just really, really confused me and ended up making me very angry. That was a lot of money thrown into a swing and miss that could have been avoided. But then again, that's the way of the film world, isn't it?"

Splinter

VPJ: "GORE! This grubbily fun little horror flick has a clutch of disparate types trapped in an isolated store by...something. See, I'm in a bind, 'cause I don't want to spoil the whole deal, but...well, it's just...there's these...THEY'RE EVIL, POISONOUS HEDGEHOGS!!! How cool is that! Well, they're sort of hedgehogs, except with the poison, and the mutations, and did I mention the gore? Fun for freaks. Like me."

JE: "Wow. Well, you got me on this one Jonesy. Seriously? Hedgehogs? Like Sonic? Somehow I don't believe you. And yet I'll never know. I will cast no stones on this one, just take a pass. Still, if you told me Bruce Campbell was involved...well then, that's a party."

Donkey Punch

VPJ: "Could they have picked a douche-ier title? Seriously, I can think of absolutely no one who would find the title of this rich-kids-kill-each-other-on-a-yacht thriller even remotely amusing or intriguing that I would want spend even a minute with. Sigh. Well, I hear the movie is actually slightly more promising than the (sigh) title would lead one to think. But then, it would have to be."

JE: "Bravo. But let's call it what it is - 'rich kids party, drink, boink and kill-each-other-on-a-yacht.' I think people should have more clarity there. Now you know. Also, who is the title supposed to appeal to? Do they think someone is going to pick it up after getting the joke? Am I missing something here? And again, if you told me Bruce Campbell was involved...well then that's a party. Or possibly Carl Weathers. What if it were both?"

Dark Matter

VPJ: "A Meryl Streep movie that no one has ever heard of. Hmm. A good sign? Well... Based on a true story about an Asian college student in America who went murderously bonkers when his scientific work was rejected, this one slipped through the cracks, perhaps because, well, it doesn't sound that interesting. Aiden Quinn's in it, which is...neither good nor bad, as far as I'm usually concerned. You have fun, though. And never trust anyone in a lab coat."

JE: "Is Streep slumming it? Was this a direct-to-DVD special? I'm not going to make fun of this one too hard since it was based on a real tragedy, but you have to wonder, with a compelling story and a name like Streep, why wasn't this one on anyone's radar? And yes, remember kids, never trust anyone in a lab coat. No thank you MR. SCIENTIST."

The Pope's Toilet

VPJ: "I could go on about the great reviews for this whimsical South American comedy about the turmoil created by the pontiff's impending visit, but we both know I only included it here because of the title. I am an idiot..."

JE: "Since you decided to class clown this one (Not that I blame you. I imagine it is studded with jewels and crosses. His holiness' toilet that is.), I'll step in. Here we go: Imagine a hysterical English comedy set in a small town that is about to be overrun by the world thanks to a visit from The Queen. The hilarity. OK, now flip that, make it Uruguay in the '80s, add The Pope and some heartbreaking and realistic poverty. Comedy! Social and religious commentary! The Pope! If you want something that will make you laugh, care and think - if only for 2 hours, then go out and rent this one."

Parting Shots:

- Are we off base with "The Reader?" Was it deserving of the prize?
- How do you explain the failure of "The Spirit?"
- Worse name for a thriller than "Donkey Punch?" Go.

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