Start of a new year and already Videoport Jones has a candidate for worst DVD release of the year.

He's a realist, and that's why we keep him around.

My Best Friend's Girl

Videoport Jones: "Sure, you could blame the utter wretchedness of this would-be romantic comedy on the fact that naming a movie after a song title is as promising a strategy as signing two pitchers for billions of dollars, one of whom is laughably out of shape injury bait and the other held together with duct tape (good luck with that, Yankees), but the real blame for this witless fiasco, unsurprisingly, falls at the feet of the loathsome Dane Cook. Dane-freaking-Cook. This time (as was the case with the even more/equally soul-deadening 'Good Luck Chuck'), the Cooker (as I'm sure he demands everyone call him) plays some sort of sexual savant sought out by others for help with their relationships. This time, playing to Cook's main characteristic, admittedly, he plays a jackass named Tank (sigh) whom other men hire in order that he may use his innate loathsomeness to appall their ex-girlfriends so much that they run, screaming and dripping with Cook's drool, back to their erstwhile lovers' arms. Could a good movie be made from such a shoddy premise? Well, not with the Charisma Vacuum as the lead it can't. Add in the perpetually-underachieving Jason Biggs and Kate Hudson, and a script that wallows in literally the lamest, junior high school level 'banter' (and, of course, the Evil One Himself) and you have my vote for the worst DVD release of 2009. Sure, it's early yet, but I think this one could take it wire-to-wire."

Justin: "But Jonesy, pal, you are forgetting the fact that your pick for the worst of 2009 also features one of our heroes, Mr. Alec Baldwin. It makes me cry on the inside. Why Big Al? Why? Why would you want to hurt us like that? I don't think he's got the power to lift this one out of the gutter, so it's most likely to pull him down. And that saddens me. I'm not sure what else can be said about this utterly predictable and lackluster movie. Let's put the casting choices aside for a second and just consider the plot itself? This is third-rate romantic comedy territory at best...which may explain the casting choices. That said, I don't want to take a swipe at Biggs, who I think has it in him to be funny...he just hasn't found the right roles yet. But enough with the excuses. Do yourself a favor and miss this one."

Appaloosa

VPJ: "Ed Harris decided to bring back the Western, writing, directing and starring in this tale of two pals trying to overthrow the greedy rancher taking over the town. I'm not gonna get in Ed Harris' way under any circumstance, so go right ahead, big guy. It's a pretty straightforward, throwback-y kind of Western, and that's its chief charm, really; Ed's not interested in deconstructing any American myths, tropes, or genres - he just wants to make a good Western, and he mostly succeeds thanks to costars Viggo Mortensen and Jeremy Irons. Add in crusty, gravely character man James Gammon (which all good Westerns should), and you've got yerself a decent time at the movies."

JE: "It's kind of refreshing in a way, isn't it? It's nice to just have a movie that is straightforward in its intent. It's like sitting down for an action movie where you don't have to think too much, but it's not completely brainless entertainment. I'm a fan of bringing back The Western, and Westerns (well most) are pretty simplistic in a good way. Of course, maybe it's also because I find myself lingering on movies like 'The Man from Laramie' and 'Hang 'em High,' on AMC and Turner Classic Movies. But how can you not like Westerns? Really? Good guy, bad guys, revenge, and shoot-outs. That's a good recipe."

Swing Vote

VPJ: "First, the premise: a layabout redneck finds himself the most important man in America when it turns out his upcoming vote will (through some script machination) determine the presidential election. Now let's pile on Kevin Costner! I'm just kidding (sort of); I mean, ol' Kev has had his moments (I personally think he should restrict himself to baseball movies, where I can actually get behind him), but, man, is he a lazy actor. I remember back in the day, people started comparing him to Jimmy Stewart before realizing that that 'aw shucks' vibe they were getting was just blank pleasantness. And, try as he might to harden his image or play 'wacky', Costner, here as elsewhere, just sort of stands around on the screen. Smiling, vaguely nice, and utterly uninteresting. Team up with Ron Shelton again, big guy, and have him write 'Bull Durham 2'; I'd be interested to see what Crash Davis is up to these days."

JE: "Really? You, hater of (most) sequels, want to take another run at the Bulls with ol' Crash? Really? I'm gonna have to give you a yellow card on that call my friend. OK, let's fall back on the premise we were talking about earlier - mindless, entertaining movies. This is simplistic, but was released at a time when the producers wanted to catch on to the mood of the moment during the election. What if one vote decides the contest between John McCain and Barack Obama? What if it was you, average, red-blooded American? It's a cute idea in a 'your vote really counts,' and 'Democracy starts with you' type of way. Don't know if I'm much interested in it now. And it may seem silly to folks since the McCain/Obama contest was decided by more than just one vote."

Mirrors

VPJ: "Kiefer Sutherland takes time out from his hectic TV schedule of civil rights violations, deciding whether to cut the red or the blue wire, and wiping his bottom with the US Constitution to star in a forgettable, completely unscary 'horror flick' about...evil mirrors! Directed by the thoroughly-overrated Frenchy horror auteur Alexandre Aja who made the gratuitously gory, dimwitted 'High Tension' and the loathsome 'The Hills Have Eyes' remake. Pass."

JE: "Why the hate on the Kief? If you look at '24' in the same way you look at the old James Bond movies, then it becomes OK. Now if people in power and in the military industrial complex take a liking to it, that's on them. And scary to boot. Look, I'm not a big fan and in no way an authority on horror films. So I have limited interest in them. Still, most seem pretty bad these days just on the first glance. And honestly, they all start to look alike. Creepy dead kid monsters, bleeding walls, etc. Boring."

The Family That Preys

VPJ: "You know when I knew that black filmmakers were finally getting a foothold in all-white Hollywood? It's when the movie 'Strictly Business' came out in 1991. It was all well and good for Spike Lee, Matty Rich and John Singleton to get some success, but those were 'prestige' pictures; my reasoning was, that if a middling Tommy Davidson romantic comedy vehicle could get a wide release, just like the mediocre all-white romantic comedies could, then Hollywood was finally recognizing that 'black films' had the potential to make money. This brings me to Tyler Perry. Because if a hardworking yet utterly below average black auteur like Perry can become a major Hollywood player, attracting audiences, money, and slumming 'they deserve much better than this' name talent to his churchy, sophomoric films (it's Alfre Woodard and Kathy Bates' turns this time), then there may just be some hope that black filmmakers might keep the doors open for themselves. Maybe even some talented ones."

JE: "Videoport Jones presents great moments in black cinema. Next week, the cultural significance of 'I'm Gonna Get You Sucka.' I guess I hadn't thought about Tyler Perry as part of a continuum that started with Tommy Davidson, but you may have a point. Once again, as in most times we talk about Perry's work, I'm gonna have to take the middle road and say it's not our cup of tea. The fact is with all the crap that gets churned out of Hollywood, movies like his are the middle ground. And the middle ground's not a bad place to be. I know for a fact that some folks like his work, maybe not all of it (because really, one too many adventures with Madea will do that to people), and if that's the case, who are we to judge. There's far worse things to be a fan of."

Blindsight

VPJ: "Six blind teenagers decide to climb a mountain in this documentary. Well, as long as they have a qualified mountaineering guide...wait...he's blind too!?!? WTF!? The line between inspirational and just plain terrifyingly dangerous has just been redrawn; let's watch!"

JE: "This falls under the same category as 'Man on a Wire' from a few weeks back. Movies you watch because you can't help but wonder if things are going to go bad. As I said then, I'm not a fan because I can never shake the idea of things going horribly wrong when I watch these movies. Still, this one sounds a little interesting in the 'how is that even possible' sort of way. Sure that may make it seem like a sideshow, but there are worse reasons to watch. (See the aforementioned morbid fascination theory)

Brideshead Revisited

VPJ: "Evelyn Waugh's classic, uppercrusty novel gets the big screen treatment (Videoport's got the small screen miniseries version with a young Jeremy Irons, natch'). Cramming the novel into two hours might make things tricky (the miniseries was about eleven), but, as long as the ever-delightful Emma Thompson is on board (and she is, thankfully), sign me up in the queue to the lorry to the lift to the pip-pip cheerio, etc."

JE: "No. No. No. I'm sorry. Sorry to Ms. Thompson and all involved. This may sound weird given my Anglophile tendencies, but I cannot and will not sit through this one. Gots no interest at all in the periody, class-conflicty, heaving bossomy world of Brideshead. I'm putting my foot down on this one. Sometimes you gotta draw a line in the sand."

Questions of the Day:

- Can Dane Cook be redeemed?
- Westerns: On the comeback?
- Why does Justin hate "Brideshead Revisited" so much?

E-mail this entry to a friend