Let's hop right into the fray this week. New DVD releases have hit the shelves, and our resident expert, Videoport Jones says there are some real stinkers this week.

Snow Angels

Videoport Jones: "From indie auteur David Gordon Green ('George Washington,' 'All the Real Girls,' 'Undertow,' 'Pineapple Express' - yeah, he DID direct that]) comes this grim, wintry drama about the inter-tangled lives of the denizens of a small town, based on a novel by Stuart O'Nan, the guy who cowrote that funny Red Sox book with Stephen King. Featuring the requisite indie-cred stellar cast (Sam Rockwell, Nicky Katt, Tom Noonan, Amy Sedaris [sadly, not appearing as Jerri Blank], Olivia Thirlby, Kate Beckinsale), this one holds the gentle, dewy promise of gut-wrenching sorrow for all. Drink up."

Justin: "See, you had me for a while. David Gordon Green (if you haven't seen 'George Washington,' go rent it. Now.), small-town story, Amy Sedaris, Nicky Katt, Olivia Thirlby, and one of my top five underrated actors of all time, Sam Rockwell. But you just had to turn the screw a bit didn't you with the 'gentle, dewy promise of gut-wrenching sorrow for all.' How am I supposed to reconcile that? Who in their right mind says, yes, sign me up for that. I guess what I am saying is thank you. No, seriously."

Finding Amanda

VPJ: "Grim comedy stars Matthew Broderick (so good at grim comedy in 'Election') as an alcoholic with a gambling addiction who goes to try and retrieve his troubled niece...in LAS VEGAS?!?! Yeah that should go well. Broderick seems such a natural, at this point in his career, at playing self-deluded, squirmy, ultimately-pathetic creatures (see 'Election,' 'You Can Count On Me,' 'Strangers With Candy,' 'The Last Shot,' 'The Stepford Wives,' and on and on...) that it's hard to see the Bueller within anymore, but, for whatever that may say about Mr. B himself, as long as it keeps working onscreen, the dude's got my vote. With support from the ever-able Steve Coogan and Maura Tierney."

JE: "You may have stumbled onto something, and I think it scares me a little. What does it say that the guy who defined cool for one generation and was arguably one of the most bankable and identifiable stars of 80s cinema (I'd say toe-to-toe with Michael J. Fox) has now become the 'the pathetic guy' later in his film career? Did the 'Godzilla' remake ruin him? Has living with Sarah Jessica Parker made him soft? Can we blame 'The Producers?' I'd probably have a bigger problem with this trend if not for the fact that he plays these roles so well. I'd say 'Election' is one of my favorite movies all time, largely thanks to him. This one sounds like a solid rental, and make sure to look for signs of the inner Bueller."

Noise

VPJ: "Tim Robbins stars in this social satire about a normal guy who decides that the modern world is just too damned full of things that beep and goes on a jihad against car alarms, automated voices and cell phones (yes, please!), calling himself 'The Rectifier' and gaining the support of his fellow beleaguered New Yorkers as he takes his crusade all the way to the mayor. Of course he's bananas, but, as one kept awake in the West End all night the other day by some unidentifiable piercing beeping alarm and one who's continually surrounded by jabbering nitwits on their hideous, utterly-unnecessary cell phones every day, I can feel myself grabbing the nearest two-by-four and going gadget hunting along with big Timmy. And, seriously, folks - you really don't have anything so interesting and immediate to say that you can't wait the extra half hour to tell your equally-tedious friend 'what she said that he said that she did' until you're face-to-face and, thus, safely away from the rest of us. We hate you."

JE: "Well, I don't hate you. I may mildly dislike you and shift to hate on a case-by-case basis. This sounds like an odd flick, as in, 'that sounds like a funny idea, but how do you make a whole movie out of it' kind of way. Maybe the producers figured it would strike a chord with folks (as it so clearly has with the good doctor here) and they'd go see the movie out of curiosity and to vicariously live out their dreams of smashing car alarms and awful cell phone ring tones. Actually that does kinda sound good."

Young @ Heart

VPJ: "Documentary chronicles a senior citizens group who decide that you're never too old...TO ROCK! A chorus director gathering a gang of oldsters and teaching them to sing songs by The Clash, Sonic Youth and others seems like a goofy, silly idea, but the film, instead, becomes a weirdly-moving examination of mortality, creativity, and self-expression. And their songs are at least as credible as their fellow septuagenarians, the Rolling Stones' last ten albums or so."

JE: "ZING! Ha HA! I'm happy this hadn't been sold off to some studio as a comedy. I can just see something awful involving Morgan Freeman, Doris Roberts and Jack Black. Rent it, watch it, enjoy it. But seriously, the Rolling Stones are really old."

Before the Rains

VPJ: "Linus Roach plays a British spice baron in the waning days of British colonial India having the requisite steamy, illicit affair with his servant (the lovely Nadita Das), causing all manner of rumblings, unpleasantnesses, and sticky wickets in this Merchant-Ivory production. Sure, Ismail Merchant may have died a few years ago, but his and Ivory's legacy of tastefully-inert period piece prettiness lives on. Your mom will love it."

JE: "Spice barons? Colonial India? Illicit affairs? Sorry bub, this one is way out of my wheel house. I just see the sepia-toned, schooner-heavy, bosom busting clips of movies like this and my eyes start to glaze over. I'll pass it on to someone's mom."

VPJ: "WARNING: Here there be stinkers...This week, for some reason, has become a virtual perfect storm of truly awful would-be blockbusters the movie gods have seen fit to empty all over us. Read on, if you dare..."

Speed Racer

VPJ: "'Go, Speed Racer, go...' Indeed. Remember when we thought the Wachowski Brothers weren't an empty, gadget-obsessed waste of time? While their first film ('Bound') is still nastily neat, and the first 'Matrix' is undeniably fun if you can forget that the last two films ever existed, the Bros. W. have finally revealed themselves to be idea-challenged would-be spectacle-makers. And they even suck at that, as this film made back approximately ten percent of its unconscionable budget. Maybe this will prevent studios from making yet more bewilderingly, soul-crushingly unnecessary adaptations of old TV shows? Oh, who am I kidding..."

JE: "And the worst part is, it didn't have to be that way. I'm honestly as tired as anyone else of hackneyed TV adaptations/updates/remakes. But, I would think 'Speed Racer' would be pretty ripe ground for a movie, or a re-introduction. But here's the catch - I'd probably have put it in the hands of a Japanese director, or possibly a real gonzo indie director. This movie needed to go one of two ways - straight forward and gritty racing flick, or over-the-top Asian-tinged action spectacle. Instead it just came off as weird. And you're right, it failed even by that standard, EVEN with a decent cast. A movie like 'Speed Racer' seems like it would have serious cross-generational appeal, you get the parents in the seats because they remember the original, and you get the kids because they'll have no choice thanks to the heavy toy marketing. Instead it was a total, absolute bust. This gets the title of 'Epic Fail.'"

The Love Guru

VPJ: "Oh, Mike Myers. You with your inaccurate, goofy accents, and your love of prosthetics. You with your franchise-friendly characters, and your odd choice of projects. I still like you well enough, (I like the first and third Austin Powers movies, and 'So I Married an Axe Murderer' is still cute), but, holy cats, have you lost your tiny, Canadian mind? A muddled, schticky, mess this picture is, and, while some people might blame the protests of thin-skinned religious types (as per usual) for this film's abysmal box office, I think the real culprit was it, how you say?...sucking."

JE: "I was just thinking the other day how much I loved the first Austin Powers movie. While clearly a spoof, and not without some scatological humor, it was original and hilarious. I can't even remember how many times I've rewatched it. Now it just seems like he's gone off the deep end, and maybe forever. There's no doubt Mike Myers is a funny, funny man, but it feels like he's just going in circles and the world has passed him by at this point. Honestly, how in the world is the plot of 'The Love Guru' green-lit without Myers? A white guy does a bad India accent, becomes a 'love guru' (a wha?), and winds up helping a Canadian hockey team with it's romantic ills. What? Seriously? Does that make any sense to anyone? It seems like there's too much going on there. So I guess this also gets an 'Epic Fail.'"

88 Minutes

VPJ: "Al Pacino. Um, why? He plays a forensic psychologist who has but the titular time period imposed on him by an unseen psycho to solve a mystery or...he'll be killed! Dum, dum, duuuum. I would like to enumerate several problems with this. A.) Instead of being a merciful 88 minutes long, as per the title, why does this dog drag on for a full 108 minutes?, and B.) See there's a problem with telling the victim of a plot that he's got 88 minutes to solve the problem in that, b1.) there's no threat to the victim, in that he's sure not gonna get killed before the 88 minutes is up (which doesn't prevent the would-be killer from trying to kill Pacino several times during that time period, thus negating his central premise), and b2.) if you give a supposedly-brilliant police scientist an hour and a half to solve your clues, well, he's gonna do that, and catch you. You should have called your plot 18 minutes, or maybe only 8. Or maybe just, 'hey look behind you,' 'wha?,' BANG! minutes.' Just an idea. This sort of gimmicky nonsense seems sort of beneath Pacino, but I'm sure he'll do some entertaining overacting to keep the thing lively. At least for 28 minutes or so."

JE: "I like 'Hey, look behind you, wha? BANG! minutes' as an alternative. I think you're right on this one, this movie seems like it's more suited to Guy Pierce or Val Kilmer. Someone who, if the movie did not entirely suck, you would say ' that was a decent performance.' But by throwing Pacino in the mix you're upping the stakes too much, aren't you? Say what you want about whether the man overacts or not, but he's still one of the best actors around these days. But maybe the bigger issue here is whether Pacino is just coasting right now in his career. I can't think of a good movie I've seen him in lately, and for some reason the only thing that comes to mind is 'The Devil's Advocate,' but that's a stretch. (Not to mention at least a decade old.) Well hey, at least there's 'Righteous Kill,' with him and Robert De Niro...oh, what? It's not that good? The reviews are bland? Oh, I see. Well, scratch that. Pacino Watch is still on."

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