We've got a serious mess of cinematic proportions on our hands today with all this week's new DVD releases.

Bad 80s remakes, retelling the recent political past, and the trials of Keanu. Luckily Videoport Jones is not afraid to shed a little blood to get to the truth of this week's titles.

Recount

Videoport Jones: "Feel like getting completely hulk-smash furious? Well step right this way to re-experience one of the most shameful, and, in retrospect, catastrophic moments in American political history with this deft dramatization of the debacle that was the 2000 presidential election in the state of Florida. (Oh, how rude of me, I was assuming that everyone reading this was a thinking, fair-minded, honorable person who hates injustice, unfairness, and manipulative cronyism even if it benefits him/her. Apologies to those Republicans. Both of them). Kevin Spacey, Denis Leary, John Hurt, Tom Wilkinson and Laura Dern lead a stellar cast as they embody the major players on both sides who finagle like they've never finagled before behind the scenes to ferret out (on one *cough* Democratic - side) or obfuscate (you know who on the other) the disputed results of the Florida popular vote, marred as it was by balloting irregularities (still not fixed), the widespread Republican disenfranchisement and harassment of poor and minority voters (still going on everywhere), and good ol' right wing cronyism (Dern's Katherine Harris was in charge of the whole thing and was a Bush supporter/crony, and, oh wait, what was it....oh yeah...HIS BROTHER WAS THE FREAKING GOVERNOR!?!?!?!). Well acted all around, with an impressive attention to the specific behind-the-curtain details (aka 'facts') behind the biggest, most blatant case of aristocratic election fraud ever perpetrated on the largely sheeplike American public. I need to go lie down in a cool, dark room, preferably with an iced keg nearby. (Oh, and on an unforgivably geeky note [which you should enjoy anyway, Justin,] this acclaimed HBO film was written by none other than Danny Strong - the same little dude who played perpetual recurring sad sack Jonathan Levinson all through 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer.' Well done)."

Justin: "You just went right out of the gate with both barrels, Jonsey. Happy Tuesday. Hello to you, too. I'm gonna take a step back on this one and say depending on your ideology - as demonstrated by my highly agitated friend here (easy Jonsey, deep breaths) - this film will either strike you as a brilliant dramatic re-telling of one of the darkest moments in the long, tortured slide of American politics. Or, on the other hand you'll see this as a ridiculous Hollywood histo-fantasy/masochism play by people who can't get over the past. The dramatic elements aren't really for me to decide, but on the technical side, I don't think you can argue with a cast of big guns like that. Whether or not you agree about the outcome of the Florida recount in 2000, I think we can all say that it was a singular moment in U.S. politics (if not U.S. history) for the simple fact that there had never been anything like it before. I mean, how often can you say the U.S. Supreme Court had to get involved in deciding a presidential election? While I wish people of all political stripes could watch this and calmly discuss our political system, I feel like 'Recount' could have the opposite effect and further drive an ideological stake between people. Stake? Get it? I had to sneak a Buffy reference in. Come on."

Prom Night

VPJ: "Just kill me now. Sigh. OK, here comes yet another limp, scarelessly-cynical PG-13 rated (?!?!) 'horror remake' of an 80s slasher flick that was, itself, really, really awful. It stars blandly pretty people I don't care about, it has not one ounce of the sleazy, vicarious thrills that good exploitation films provide, and, hey, here's a novel thought - howsabout making it scary. In the least. Just an idea. I mean, I don't know who this stuff is supposed to frighten. Undiscriminating nuns? Colicky infants? Kittens? Maybe if you turned the sound up real loud..."

JE: "Annnnnd OH MY GOD HE'S GONNA KILL THE PROM QUEEN! Bored now. It's just a given now that remakes are part of the American cinema landscape. We have accepted that, and try not to think about the deeper creative or intellectual questions this brings up. But you're right, what is the point in remaking a marginally successful and/or scary horror movie if you're not going to add anything to the mix. If they wanted to cheese it up, (which really, would be so appropriate and fitting for this flick) then that would have been another story. They also could have gone the other route and torture-porned it up to fit the zeitgeist. Not that we're advocates of that, but it would have at least demonstrated a little effort. Fail."

The Life Before Her Eyes

VPJ: "Uma Thurman is having trouble dealing with the survivor's guilt she's got after surviving a high school massacre, when she was Evan Rachel Wood in this would-be wrenching drama. Told in flashback-y form, with the statuesque Uma turning into the blah Wood at regular intervals, I'm guessing, and I don't want to upset anyone here, that there is some sort of deep dark secret about the day in question that approximately 4% of you will be surprised by. Just guessing."

JE: "A massacre? Really? I don't think that was how they billed this movie at all. But then again, I can't say they did a terribly good job selling this one. It was an all too typical 'what the hell was that' type of trailer that sort of washes over you. A deep secret. A tormented past. Now she can't forget that day. OK, that's all well and good, but what does that mean and how does it differ from the bajillion other 'deep dark secret' flicks that come out every year - or at the least the ones that come out for the Lifetime Network. I'm just sayin, they make a lot of 'woman has a troubled past' movies. Another fail."

Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day

VPJ: "Start with the stunningly talented Frances McDormand (as a lonely, unfairly-fired London governess), toss in the lovely, vivacious Amy Adams (as a ditsy, flirty American actress who hires the frumpy gov and shows her a wacky good time), add in some post WWII British scenery and a sprinkle of Brit character actors and you've got something your girlfriend will make you bring home instead of Kill Bill 2 this week. As one might notice, I am of two minds in that I love Frances and Amy, but am getting a whole 'twitty would-be screwball comedy' odor off of this fluffy slice of processed confectionery. I love my girlfriend (actually, as of last week, my fiancee...psych!) and will dutifully watch this with her if she wants to. Although, thankfully, she'd be more likely to bring home the Tarantino..."

JE: "Yours is a special relationship. Really. I get the feeling this is a movie I would watch if they showed it on a flight down south or to the Midwest. Sure, I may have two magazines, a couple of books, a laptop and most likely episodes of 'Veronica Mars' or 'Firefly' with me, but I'd rather not be bothered by rifling through my bag, and Frances McDormand deserves a shot. Of course it also has fighting chance thanks to my well established Anglophile status. (Is it Anglophilia? That doesn't sound good.) Light, funny, not too much thinking required? Sure I may not remember it after I step off the plane, sure it may not teach me a deep lesson, and sure, I may just fall asleep during the first act. But it sounds like the perfect in-flight experience if you ask me. I guess that makes a pass for this flick."

Street Kings

VPJ: "The L.A. police department is violent, corrupt, and racist? Hmm, I'll alert Ripley's. From a script by L.A. crime potboilerer James Ellroy, this gun-happy shoot-fest stars a large pine armoire as a wrongfully-accused copper trying to clear his name. What? Really? Oh, oh right...sorry...that's Keanu Reeves and not a large wooden box there clogging up the center of the screen. My mistake. Mr. Two-By-Four is surrounded by some decent character actors (Forest Whitaker, Hugh Laurie [as a cop?], Jay Mohr, Terry Crews), and some largely undistinguished ones as well (Chris Evans, mononymic rapper/actors Common and The Game). And Cedric the Entertainer plays someone called 'Scribble' - could be the next Huggybear."

JE: "Why'd you have to go and bring Huggybear into this? What did he do wrong? He's just a small time hustler trying to make it on the streets. Here's the one thing I can't shake about this movie - aside from the fact that it's hard to make a really compelling 'rogue cop' story anymore - I can't buy Forest in this role thanks to the incredible job he did as a possesed IA investigator in 'The Shield.' Sorry, just can't buy it. Anyone who saw that season of 'The Shield' (and go rent it/buy it if you haven't. In fact, get the whole thing. Final season starts next month.) knows he created a complex and textured character that made for 'don't blink while watching' television. So no, I can't support this one, even with Dr. House as 'The Heavy.' Poor Hugh Laurie, keeps having to bury his accent. And I'll just ignore that armoire, because really, he's just laughable here. If I want Keanu as a cop, I'll go and rent 'Point Break' again. Excellent film. This is a fail."

The Secret

VPJ: "No, not the documentary version of the specious, New-Agey self-help book designed to make the insufferably self-posessed even moreso, this is a weird little thriller that asks the question, 'if your wife dies but somehow transfers her spirit to your hot, teenaged daughter, is it creepy to spend 90 minutes staring longingly at her and fighting the urge to challenge your culture's incest taboos.' If this David Duchovny movie is any indication, the answer is a big BLLEEAAAUUGGHHHHHHH."

JE: "I'll see you a BLLEEAAAUUGGHHHHHHH and raise with a 'eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww.' Seriously. I'm just getting a case of the wiggins talking about this movie. NEXT!"

Quid Pro Quo

VPJ: "And since we're wigging everybody out, Nick Stahl stars in this one as a paraplegic reporter who delves into a story about the I-guess-it-must-exist-somewhere wannabe disabled fetish community and, consequently, into-unnecessary-leg-braces sporter 'The Departed's Vera Farmiga. Okey-dokey...oh, and David Cronenberg's 'Crash' resides in the Mystery/Thriller section at Videoport!"

JE: "Seriously. What the frak man? Can we talk about some family flicks or make fun of Keanu more? Do we really want to broach the topic that he's in the remake of 'The Day The Earth Stood Still?' NEXT!"

Finally, here's Jonesy's picks for some serious TV stuff to catch up on this week at Videoport:

"Dexter" - Season 2: "He's the serial killer killing serial killer you love to be ambivalent about. (Geek reference #2 of the week for me and the J-man: starring 'Angel's Julie Benz as Dexter's not-all-that-observant girlfriend."

"House" - Season 4: "Grrrr...I'm grumpy, I'm limpy, I'm snarky, you're cured...NEXT! Love that Hugh Laurie, though."

"Trailer Park Boys" - Season 7: "Improv-y Canadian comedy goodness with Ricky, Julian and the ever-awesome Bubbles making things difficult for the mobile home community."

"Terminator - The Sarah Connor Chronicles" - Season 1: "Movie spinoff action sci fi series warrants this week's Geek Reference #3: costarring 'Firefly's stunning Summer Glau as yet another gorgeous killing machine. Yeah! Joss Whedon hat trick! Give it up! I'm out!"

Mercifully, that's all we got for this week.

Consider the following:

- How does your ideological lens tint how you see "Recount?"

- If you were to remake a schlocky 80s slasher flick, what would it be and why?

- How does Keanu keep getting work? Seriously.

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