It's Tuesday, and that means it's time to consider spending money on a few new DVDs. I said consider, because, well, not all new releases are created equal.

Videoport Jones is back to sort things out, and thankfully I'm back to keep him honest. It's not an easy task, people.

Penelope

Videoport Jones:"Christina Ricci has a pig face. No, no...I'm not being mean. In this romantic fantasy ('romantasy?'...I am hereby patenting that word), the lovely, yet offbeat-looking Ms. Ricci is fitted with a prosthetic pig's snout as the unfortunate subject of a family curse. Luckily, she's got newly-minted Brit-hunk James McAvoy ('Atonement') around for some presumably-very-understanding canoodling, and the always-great Peter Dinklage being villainous. I have a crazy feeling, despite the fact that this movie was completed over two years ago, that everything is gonna be alllll right."

Justin: "You find a silver lining in everything, don't you Jonsey? This certainly is an odd one, and I think you probably hit the nail on the head, though we should now be worried that Hollywood will run wild with your new genre. Can't say I had any interest in seeing this before, or now, despite a minor fascination with the Ricci girl. Also, I feel the need to point out that chicks with pig noses sounds like fare for some weird Russ Meyer fetish cinema."

The Bank Job

VPJ: "I'm so oddly pleased that Jason Statham is a semi-major movie star; I think we need more big, scary, soccer-hooligan action heroes. I just relish the thought of him getting into an argument with Paul Walker or someone at the craft services table and head-butting him into oblivion. Anyway, this one features Headbutt McGee in a real-life bank heist thriller set in swinging London about a, well, bank job where the money is secondary to some incriminating photos showing that the royal family is a bunch of unprincipled, sexually slack inbreds that fits in nicely with the stylish British gangster genre that those crazy bastards do so well."

JE: "What is it about British gangster flicks that is so supremely watchable? Seriously? I'll admit - as I have on many occasions - that I'm a bit of a Brit-ophile at times, so dudes beating each other up and talking in accents is intriguing. ANYWAY, this one looks like a good move for Statham that only involves a minor bit of kicking people in the neck and breaking elbows. Also, who doesn't love a clever bank heist flick? Sounds like a good deal all around."

Shutter

VPJ: "Oh, for crying out loud... All right, I'm an unpaid semi-professional, so here goes. (Takes a long, long slug of cheap, off brand American beer). This is yet another wan, limp, pallid, unnecessary, formulaic, and totally un-scary remake of a just-fine-on-its-own Asian horror flick. You can get the original at Videoport. And I suggest you do. Please stop encouraging these people."

JE: "Ha ha! Oh Jonsey, you slay me. Look, I don't know how many times we go through this dance. Another pathetic horror remake makes its way through the pipe, modest money is made, we rage, Hollywood laughs. I don't know what to do about it other than to keep saying 'Do Better.' But when I say that, that annoying, contrary part of my brain says - 'What if they can't? Why not give the public what they deserve?' Stupid brain."

College Road Trip

VPJ: "Sigh. All right. Martin Lawrence follows Ice Cube and Eddie Murphy into the oft-lucrative waters of Lake Family Friendly as a cop/dad who takes his post-jailbait daughter (former 'Cosby Show' moppet Raven-Symone) on the titular tour. Of course, 'family-friendly' allows for plenty of pratfalls, stereotypes, and the occasional poop joke, so it's got that going for it. Which is nice. I dunno, J-man, am I alone in not finding Martin Lawrence remotely funny or un-horrible? If it's just me, I'll shut up."

JE: "No, it's not just you. Then thing is he seems to have fallen into the strange career arch you find with lots of comedians now - burn out into family fun land. Now, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with wanting to do family flicks once you have kids - but it's a hard transition for the public who has to watch a guy who used to speak exclusively in four-letter words all of a sudden mooning for the camera. Also, it's about making good family movies, and Disney seems to just pull these things out of the recycling bin."

Step Up 2: The Streets

VPJ: "Points for the almost-clever, yet oddly overpunctuated title to this sequel to the 'underprivileged teens from different sides of the tracks learn that everyone loves to dance' film I never saw in any of my possible parallel lives. Points for chutzpah in the always-wise strategy of plowing ahead with a direct-to-DVD sequel despite the only recognizable name having understandably fled at the earliest opportunity (he's on 'Prison Break' now), and daring to depict downtown Baltimore as a tough-but-scrappy dance-a-thon rather than the gritty, 'Wire'-esque hellhole we've all come to love and fear."

JE: "You seem to be giving this film a lot of points for seemingly hating it. But maybe it's because it's 'THE NUMBER ONE DANCE MOVIE OF THE YEAR!' Sorry, I had to get that out. I think dance movies now have become what sports movies once were - the place for screen-tested, non-threatening, pseudo-social theater. Think about it, they all have the same formula: Team (dance/football/hockey) can't get along, new person introduced, dynamic changes, things go well followed by a devastating setback, ultimately concluding in a victory and lesson for everyone. Credits. Wow, why am I not writing these things? Time to sell out!"

This American Life - Season 1

VPJ: "NPR's perpetually-compelling human interest show comes to life on DVD, with wry, intellectual host Ira Glass poking his brainy nose into the businesses of all the finest eccentrics, oddballs, and cranks our fine country has to offer. I defer final judgment to Justin as to how Glass' brand of human-interest-mongering stacks up."

JE: "Thanks Jones. To understand Ira Glass, one must think of his voice. Wait, no, one must look at his glasses. Wait, no. Honestly, Ira has really created a niche that defies easy explanation - and I'm saying that cause I can't think of the words. It's not news exactly, but not easily documentary, or a news magazine. It's like this NPR mutant-hipster-hybrid that tells great, funny, and compelling stories. As for Ira, he too has taken on this sort of bigger life - the voice, mannerisms, twitches, etc, have also become a sort of calling card. It's not entirely genuine, but not canned or fake. But like I said, it's some of the best storytelling you'll find right now."

Finally, this week, Videoport becomes TV-ideoport* with these new additions:

(*I recognize the genuine god-awfulness of that joke. I refuse to apologize, however.)

• "Eureka" Season 2 - Secret town full of crackpot scientists!

• "Birds of Prey" The complete series - Mmisbegotten bastardization of the excellent DC comics characters Oracle, Black Canary and the Huntress.

• "Saving Grace" Season 1 - I want to marry Holly Hunter- contact me through Justin.

• "Reno: 911" Season 5 - Filthy, hilarious, improv-y goodness.

• "Monk" Season 6 - Character actor extraordinaire and the pride of USM, Tony Shalhoub, soldiers on as the world's most jittery detective.

• "Elvis Presley the Big, Fat, Overrated Fetish Object" Season 8 - Just kidding.

Thankfully, mercifully, that is all we've got this week. Gotta get Jonsey some snacks before his blood sugar gets high and he snaps again!

Before we go, consider the following:

- Why aren't British gangster movies the same as their American counterparts?

- Are we alone in railing against crappy American remakes of Japanese horror flicks?

- Dance movies: Are they the new sports flicks? Discuss.

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