Just like a friendly butcher who provides you with the choices cuts, or the record store stocker with all the rare music, Videoport Jones is here to give you the best of this week's new DVD releases.

He's certified, so you can trust him.

PS, I Love You

Videoport Jones: "(That's the title of the movie, not, you know, me telling you I love you Justin, although, hey, you know...I like you and everything, but...) Ahem. When someone in the Hollywood screenwriting minds came up with this 'concept', I'm sure he/she wet him/herself in excitement (before being whanged in the back of the skull with a pickaxe and robbed of it by someone with a nicer car, metaphorically-speaking). Check this out for pure, chick flick orgasmic premise overload: Hilary Swank plays a young wife who's totally in love with her hunky Irish hubby (Gerard Butler). But then...he dies! Oh snap! But then, she starts receiving messages (in ever-more wacky ways) from him! Because he knew he was gonna die and because he knew she loved him soooo much that she'd never move on to find another hunk, of any nationality, unless he provided her with a pathway back to emotional wholeness in the form of a series of silly, cinematically-goofy, yet life-affirming 'instructions'. Damnnnnn. I don't know a single 'Sleepless In Seattle' fan who isn't going to be watching this guaranteed weeper/laugher/then weeper again about ten times. On a side note (which perhaps only Justin and I will find partially-redeeming about this film), James Marsters (aka Spike) apparently has a supporting role."

Justin: "No. Sorry. Nothing redeeming here buddy. But in seriousness, what is up with the spate of chick flicks with a fantastic twist? This one has a husband operating seemingly from beyond the grave to make sure his widow finds new love. In 'The Lake House' (which I only know vaguely about because of in-flight movies) two people fall in love somehow across time thanks to a magical mailbox. What gives? Are these screenwriters thinking they've hit a new source of bank, or don't they realize it's just a crappy re-invention of the already crappy wheel?"

I'm Not There

VPJ: "Director Todd Haynes (who threw Jesse Helms into homophobic conniptions with his NEA-funded 'Poison', and went on to direct the interesting 'Safe', 'Velvet Goldmine', and 'Far From Heaven') got more publicity than he ever dreamed of with this no-less-out-there sort-of biopic about Bob Dylan which takes the form of six tales meant to illuminate the life of America's most enigmatic musical legends. Played by people as diverse as Heath Ledger, an 11 year old black kid, Richard Gere, Christian Bale, and Cate Blanchett, the movie's Dylan comes across in kaleidoscopic fragments and the whole thing is a mesmerizing, fascinating, frustrating mess. Cool."

JE: "Ah, see I did not know who directed 'Velvet Goldmine,' and now I do. That movie haunts me, largely because I caught it several years ago and I was completely thrown by it. It felt like a messy bio-pic on Bowie, but I was mesmerized by the performances and the music. So good for him. As for 'I'm Not There,' it certainly got a big ol' hug and kiss from reviewers, which can be a bad thing some times. But in this case you're dealing with a beloved, if not elusive, figure in American pop history, so why not enjoy a different take on it? Also, as a Minnesotan I am obligated to note that Mr. Zimmerman is one of ours."

Teeth

VPJ: "Hm. Well, here goes. There's this woman see, and she's got a... No, let me start again: Dimension Extreme brings you this tale of a young woman with a difference. No, that's not working... Aw, hell, the lady's got a vagina with teeth, okay? It's a satirical black (and very, very red) horror comedy gorefest that uses its central premise to play some tangential thematic games with gender roles and stereotypes while treating us all to the (usually realized) possibility of seeing a bunch of mean dudes get their weiners bitten off. And I would like some points for avoiding the phrase 'the film sinks its teeth into' those issues; you have no idea how hard it is not to just go for a joke like that..."

JE: "Amazing restraint my friend. I don't know how you do it. That automatically pushes you above so many other so-called film critics/reviewers who may say that or use the phrase 'laugh/laff riot.' As far as 'Teeth,' uh, I'm not touching that one. And no, that was not an intentional pun."

The Business of Being Born

VPJ:"Man, am I glad this movie and the previous one have nothing in common. Ricki Lake (of all people) turns director with this documentary about the various scenarios that face pregnant women in the American medical system. She follows several couples as they navigate the difficult choices involved in choosing how their baby will be born, and scares up a lot of medical skeletons in medical closets along the way about outdated, manipulative, unnecessary, and just plain mean ways that the medical establishment jerks some women around. With lots of very graphic birthing scenes for your lunchtime viewing pleasure."

JE: "See, you just love to do that don't you. Make a point, take the reader by the hand, lead them on...and then WHACK, a smack to the back of the head. Quick tangent - can we consider the curious metamorphosis of Ricki Lake, from talk show muppet to actress and now director? I'd say the curve is in her favor. ANYWAY, here's another poignant, topical and 'all-too-real' documentary that I'm guessing will go overlooked by a significant segment of the movie-going public...especially when there's a new Ashton Kutcher/Cameron Diaz vehicle in theaters! Also, babies scare people if they aren't cute or Disney-approved."

Delirious

VPJ: "No, not the John Candy vehicle, this is yet another direct-to-DVD (or close enough) film from former indie darling Tom DiCillo. DiCillo started out fairly strongly with 'Johnny Suede' and 'Living in Oblivion' and then started finding fewer and fewer people willing to subsidize his particular brand of low-budget, quirky drama. Luckily for him, he has a very loyal friend in actor Steve Buscemi, who continues to lend his considerable talents. In this one, Steve plays an aspiring paparazzo (there's a hero we can all love, right?) who tries to make it. I dunno, Steve's great, and there are some interesting people along for the ride (Gina Gershon, Michael Pitt, Kevin Corrigan, David Wain, and even Elvis Costello), so I'll give it a shot at some point. Maybe."

JE: "Oh how I wish it was John Candy. Why do the good ones (and the big ones) always have to go so early? Can't say that I have seen any of Mr. DiCillo's fine works in the past, or guarantee that I'll see this one, but Buscemi, Wain and Corrigan make it interesting. Gershon and Pitt on the other hand send off the warning lights. Seriously, that Pitt kid scares me."

Over Her Dead Body

VPJ: "Sort of a counterpoint to this week's 'PS, I Love You,' this romantic comedy features a dead woman who, from the afterlife, intervenes to make sure that her ex-boyfriend DOESN'T move on with his life after she's gone. She does this by, in one scene, making it sound like the new girlfriend, in a tender moment, is farting a lot. Yup. So why should you care (especially since the film's cast is stocked with 'actors' like Eva Longoria, Jason Biggs, and, well, nobody)? Well, the boyfriend's played, with everpresent charm and comic timing, by Paul Rudd, who, in my book, can do no wrong when he's on screen. Choosing roles, on the other hand..."

JE: "Oh man. Why Paul, why do you choose to hurt me like this? Seriously, it's like you want me to leave you. Here's the thing, "Fantana" had a lot of questionable roles early on in his career - with the exception of 'Clueless' to be fair - but what's his excuse at this point? I mean maybe he's trying to be an actor's actor, taking work just to work because he loves it so much? Or, maybe, he does not have the best sense for roles. I just saw him in 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall,' which featured him for maybe 2 minutes...but it was an incredible 2 minutes. Please Paul, think before you sign next time."

First Sunday

VPJ: "I love Tracy Morgan. I loved him on 'SNL', and I really love his work as thinly-veiled, slightly more insane version of himself Tracy Jordan on '30 Rock'. That being said, the guy cannot pick a decent film project. In this one, he and fellow in-need-of-career-counseling cool dude Ice Cube star as well-meaning but inept lowlife types who try to rob a church (they do have a pretty good reason) and who get taught the lesson of their ways by a sassy collection of churchy stereotypes. Tyler Perry opened the door for these sorts of 'faith-based comedies that still have room for some good ol' boobie jokes' and, as long as they're making money, we'll be seeing more just like this. Also starring popular comedian Katt Williams who sets aside his uplifting pimp-based humor to play the choir director."

JE: "I like that phrase 'pimp-based' humor, I need to work that into more of my writing. You're not going to get any argument from me on Tracy. His stuff on 'SNL' was unpredictable and operated on a level beyond any of the other skits during his era on the show (this also contributed to some of them making no sense). '30 Rock' makes me believe even stronger that only Tina Fey should write for him. That said, part of me wanted to give this movie a break because I think it triggered a part of my brain that loved those Sidney Portier/ Bill Cosby buddy movies of the '70s which had similar plots. I absolutely loved those movies and would recommend them for rental right away. The thing is, Tracy and Cube are no Portier and Cosby, and you point to the bigger problem that it just doesn't look funny. Find a better script for this duo and you'll have my money."

Hero Wanted

VPJ: "Speaking of 'for the love of god, talk to someone else before you take your next film role', here come Ray Liotta and Cuba Gooding Jr. in a crime/revenge tale that went the ever-promising-for-your-career direct-to-DVD route. Jesus! Remember 'Goodfellas'. Remember 'Boyz in the Hood'. Even remember 'Jerry Maguire' or 'Copland' if you have to, but please, someone in a position of trust and authority with these two talented men, just have a sit down with them before it is too late."

JE: "At this point Ray Liotta would be doing well just to stick to voice over work for video games, cartoons and commercials. It's almost as if guys like this need more than an agent, they need a professional 'script nanny' or someone to look at scripts and shred them before they fall into Ray or Cuba's hands. How many straight-to-DVDs have these guys been in now? At what point do you weigh that over theater releases and have an intervention? Either send help or convince them to get into the TV drama market, which can do wonders for a career."

Here's Dr. Jones' picks for what's new on the shelves at Videoport this week:

Bella: "Three unrelated people find their lives unexpectedly intertwined in this 'Amores Perros'-looking indie."

Aaltra: "Belgian dark comedy (Belgian dark chocolate?) about two neighbors who set aside their mutual hatred for each other to set out on a wheelchair-bound road trip to Finland to get revenge on the manufacturer of the machine that crippled them.

Dead Man's Bounty: "Howsabout this for weird: A Polish Western costarring Val Kilmer. As a corpse."

Last minute questions before you go:

- Should we be concerned for more romantic comedies with a fantastic or supernatural twist?
- Did you catch "I'm Not There," and what did you think?
- If you could be a "script nanny" to an actor, or just give them career advice, who would it be?

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