The post-Easter rush of new DVDs is on ... and sadly none of them have a chocolate center.

Film expert and resident smart pants Videoport Jones is on duty to talk about the new hits and misses.

The Mist
Videoport Jones "Okay, picture yourself at Hannaford. There's the lady haranguing the 17-year-old shelf stocker about why the chain discontinued her favorite brand of organic prunes. There's the piece of human cholesterol blocking a four way intersection near the cheese aisle because he's telling his 'bro' on the other end of his cell phone what kind of off-brand vodka he's gonna bring to the party tonight. There's the lady unsuccessfully trying to figure out the bulk food dispensers while her unsupervised kids plunge their hands into the granola bin. And the various people who can't count to 14 Items or Less. Now picture that these are the people you have to depend on with your life when hideous, slimy, vicious otherworldly, Lovecraftian creatures start trying to break in and turn you all into human deli trays. Scary thought, no? Well that's the terrifying fate that befalls Tom Jane, Andre Braugher, Marcia Gay Harden and other faux Mainers in this Stephen King adaptation. Better actors than are strictly necessary in this sort of thing, and some above average buzz to boot suggests that this one might be one of the rare King-based entertainments that doesn't completely blow.*
*Oh, in case you were wondering, Videoport has a definite edge on survival if any assorted apocalyptic scenarios comes down; McMillan, Johnny Snowballs and I once spent about three hours one night debating various strategies if a zombie attack occurred on our shift. Shop Videoport and Live!"

Justin: "See, these are the things I spend time thinking about. I wonder where the best outpost would be in a Portland overrun by zombies. I'd say Amigos or Ace Hardware on St. John Street would be my top choices, but Videoport has a bunker feel to it, and something tells me you guys would be armed to the teeth when the time comes. Be on the winning team when the zombies come. Oh, as for this flick, I'd say there's no reason not to rent it. As someone who has never really gotten into Mr. King's work (with the exception of 'The Shining'), this one at least looks interesting and has the always watchable Andre Braugher and Thomas Jane. But yikes...if I had to put my life in the hands of my Hannaford compatriots...I think we'd all be doomed."

The Kite Runner

VPJ: "Sometimes there's nothing particularly funny to say. Well-made, occasionally stirring drama based on the acclaimed novel by Khaled Hosseini (which I believe to be Oprah-approved) about an expatriate Afghani returning home to help out a friend whose son is in trouble. Oh, and the two child actors got death threats because - hell, I don't know exactly - but it does lend credence to the idea that Afghanistan is currently a place a lot of people need to be rescued from."

JE: "Do you ever wonder if people don't see movies like this because a.) they may perceive it as controversial or b.) fear of a language barrier? That may seem cynical, but reaction to foreign or foreign-sounding films can be weird in some corners, particularly if the story takes place in a country we've got a complicated on-going relationship with. If you look at the story and basically swapped the setting and circumstances for post-civil war Georgia, would people be more apt to see it? Just wondering."

The Upright Citizens Brigade: A.S.S.S.S.C.A.T.

VPJ:"The UCB (Ian Roberts, Matt Besser, Matt Walsh, and my girlfriend Amy Poehler) are four of the funniest people on the planet and THE four best improv actors on the planet, so when I say you should rent this hour-long improv show from their famous theater, which costars Tina Fey and Andy Richter, you say, 'How many times, SIR?'"

JE: "Many, many, many times my friend. I actually caught part of this late night on Comedy Central after watching basketball last Saturday. So funny. Improv comedy can be a beautiful thing or a train wreck, and these guys know what they are doing down to a science. It made me giddy to see them performing again. I don't know if I can fully explain how much I luv the UCB (Second season of the Comedy Central show is available for purchase) and the core members. It's like they incorporate all the weirdest and hilarious aspects of shows like SCTV, SNL and Kids in the Hall, but go further. (Well, maybe not Kids in the Hall. I don't know if you can top 'Brain Candy') Throw in some Tina Fey and Andy Richter...the only question is cash or credit card."

Wristcutters: A Love Story

VPJ: "Patrick Fugit (from 'Almost Famous') and Shannyn Sossamon (from looking pretty in various places) star as star-crossed lovers (well, technically, they crossed their own stars when they committed suicide, really) who try to find each other when they end up in a weird afterlife waystation for people who end it all. Quirky dark comedy no doubt benefits from costars Will Arnett and Tom Waits."

JE: "Wow, whatever happened to Patrick Fugit? Whatever happened to Shannyn...wait, who? ANYWAY, do you ever wonder how people are able to pitch movies like this and how they ever get made? Seriously, how do you pitch a movie that starts with suicide early and ends with the bloom of love, and not get laughed out by producers and studio executives? Still, it is nothing if not unique - which is refreshing given the alternative would have been another snoozer romantic comedy - and if you say Will Arnett is in it, then my interest has been increased.

War Made Easy

VPJ: "More unpatriotic, incontrovertible fact about how the US government uses disinformation, a complacent, cowardly, corporate-controlled media*, and an indifferent, gullible, easily-manipulated public to declare war whenever the hell it feels like it, on whatever flimsy pretext. From 'DUH' studios...
*Obviously, I'm not talking about Justin here. Justin, of course, is the man, the exception who proves the rule, the lone beacon of integrity in a placid sea of pandering and compromise, a journalistic Steve Rogers in a world of Punishers, a..."

JE: " A young loner on a crusade to champion the cause of the innocent, the helpless, the powerless in a world of criminals who operate above the law. Wait...that was Michael Knight. Sorry. Jonesy sipped the Kool-Aid apparently. It happens from time to time. But I do enjoy the Steve Rogers reference. And technically it's hard to be corporate media when you've got a for-sale sign in the front yard. I'll let you know about that one in a few months."

The Mark of Cain

VPJ: "Fact-based British drama about two young British soldiers who get in over their heads in Iraq and get caught up in the torture and humiliation of Iraqi civilians and Prisoners-of-war. Damn those Brits! Why can't they be more like us?*
*Does irony usually come through when written down? Hmm. If I get shipped off to Guantanamo Bay before next week's column, I guess it does."

JE: "If irony does not come across well when written, then we're both in trouble. I'm sensing a theme, or at least a very real shift in the types of films and documentaries being produced now. It would be interesting to chart how things went from the beginnings of the war in Afghanistan and Iraq to now in entertainment and film and TV. While I don't know if there was ever any 'sunny side' of battle TV shows or movies, there certainly wasn't what we're seeing now. Which says something not just about filmmakers but even studios, who we all know care first for the bottom line. But if you disappear before next week, I'll make sure to write...even though you may not get the postcards. Also, can I have your collection of 'Angel' DVDs?"

For your consideration, Videoport Jones' picks for the other new releases this week:

Syndromes and a Century: "It's the new film from Thai director Apichatpong Weerasethakul, kids! That's right. Only at Videoport..."

Kiltro: "There's a new would-be martial arts star in town, and his name, which is awesome, is Marko Zaror! Chilean kung fu plus a smidge of spaghetti western!"

The Sasquatch Gang: "This stoner comedy about, well, stoners, searching for Bigfoot gets point taken off for using the phrase 'enormous turd' on the DVD box description."

PU-239: "A Russian nuclear plant worker finds out he's dying because of, surprise!- radiation poisoning, so he decides to provide for his family by stealing some, oh crap!- plutonium."

Skid Row: "Pras, of the Fugees, set out to discover the plight of the homeless by hitting the streets armed only with nine bucks and a hidden video camera. His week on the streets makes up this documentary."

Final thoughts:

- If you had to hunker down and fend off zombies at one place in Portland, where would it be and why?
- What's your favorite sketch comedy show and why? (Bonus points if you can name a staff writer on the "Dana Carvey Show")
- Do you think the recent turn in war films and documentaries is just a trend or something more?

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