Relax in knowing that there are some constants in life other than death, taxes, and your favorite new TV show getting canned by a network.

I'm talking about New DVD Day and Videoport Jones.

Into the Wild

Videoport Jones: "Directed by Sean Penn, this is the story of a young, educated guy who, in one of those fits of post-college idealism most people get over by getting a tattoo or becoming a vegetarian for a few months until they get really drunk and eat their roommate's tuna sandwich out of the 'fridge, gives away all of his money, hitchhikes to Alaska, and tries to live off of the land. Based on Jon Krakauer's book about young Christopher McCandless, this is a thoughtful, moving film about youthful idealism, American restlessness, and, unfortunately, poor planning. Penn also calls in acting favors from pals Vince Vaughn, Hal Holbrook, Marcia Gay Harden, William Hurt, Katherine Keener, and that bear who tried to eat Anthony Hopkins in 'The Edge'."

Justin: "I don't think most folks give away all their money and retreat to the forest when they're feeling young and restless. That's a little too Dave Eggers for me, and I happen to like Dave Eggers. As much as I know of Krakauer's book, McCandless was an idealistic and brave cat to say the least. I don't know if even the most righteous hippies would burn their wallet, walk into the woods and live off roots and game."

Things We Lost In the Fire

VPJ: "And it's Videoport Jones rant period, beginning in 3...2...1...Jesus God, is everyone high? I mean, I'm not making any judgments here; you crazy kids go on with your bad selves and whatever legal, illegal, or corporate-sponsored substance is jazzing your jeans these days, but please, please, stop buying tickets to her movies so that people will stop thinking that Halle Berry is a real actress. Yeah, OK, she's got an Oscar, but so does Charlize Theron, so does Marissa Tomei, and Lou Gossett Jr., and 'Titanic', for God's sake. Listen to me. Halle Berry is a horrible actress. Being pretty and, well, being pretty does not make you a good actress. Kathy Ireland doesn't have an Oscar, and neither should Halle Berry. Look at her movies (if you dare): 'The Rich Man's Wife,' 'Swordfish,' 'B.A.P.S.,' 'Perfect Stranger,' 'Gothika,' 'The Flintstones.' And it's not just that they were bad movies, but that she was bad in them. Even in halfway decent movies, like 'Bullworth,' 'Monster's Ball,' 'XMEN 2', and 'Jungle Fever,' she's never more than adequate, and in her big Oscar-winning performance in 'Monster's Ball,' I can think of at least ten deserving young black actresses who would've done a better job. Whew. Well, in this drama, she plays a grieving widow who looks to her dead husband's best friend to help her move on. I'd give this one my patented 'keep on walkin'' rating except for the fact that the friend is played by the always-compelling Benicio Del Toro."

JE: "Uh...wow. I don't even know what to say or where to begin. I'm not gonna say Halle Berry's made the best choices over her career, but show me actors that haven't? Tom Hanks was in 'Splash' for pete's sake. Anyone remember Denzel and Russell Crowe first teaming up in 'Virtuosity?' And are you saying that Louis Gossett Jr., Charlize Theron and Marissa Tomei are in the same category? (I may be inclined to give you Tomei.) I know the 'everyone else had crappy roles' argument isn't the strongest, but it's something to consider. Personally I loved her in 'Boomerang.' "

Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium

VPJ: "Dustin Hoffman stars as the proprietor of a wondrous, magical, scrabtastical, schmagnastical toy shop who's beset by the forces of meanness. Sound like Willy Wonka? Sure, but not enough to provoke a lawsuit. And is it me, or does the title have unsettling resemblance to Troy McClures career-killing 'The Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel'?"

JE: "Ah Troy. Now I am going to get weepy thinking about 'Stop the Planet of the Apes - I Want to Get Off!' and 'Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die,' or 'The Erotic Adventures of Hercules,' or "Lead Paint: Delicious But Deadly.' Uh, where was I? Oh yeah Magorium. Magorium sounds like a disease or a dirty word. Not to mention a blatant rip on Mr. Wonka. This flick also stars Jason Bateman. Please Hollywood, give him something good for once."

My Kid Could Paint That

VPJ: "This documentary, um, documents the career of an up-and-coming young artist whose paintings have been compared to Picasso's and have sold for thousands of dollars and who is...dum-dum-dum...four years old! Examining the issues of the artistic marketplace, the exploitation of children, public perception of art, and the philistinic jabber of those who think all nonrepresentational art is a scam (as embodied by the title). Interesting stuff."

JE: "Hmmm. I was just talking with a friend who has a kid about kid art. All parents are predisposed to like their kid's art, but I'd be astonished to see work selling for thousands of dollars. It is interesting though how that phrase seems to be the universal cheap criticism, so either people think highly of their kids or think lowly of them and modern and post-modern art. Still, I can't say I blame a parent if they're able to help some fool part with their money over something their kid did in 30 minutes before watching 'Go, Diego Go!'"

Awake

VPJ: "Hayden Christensen was perfectly acceptable in a movie called 'Shattered Glass'. So he's got that going for him. Attempting to overcome George Lucas' writing, a string of mediocre performances, and his own innate blandness, widdle Darth stars in this 'Twilight Zone' ripoff as a billionaire who somehow stays...dum-dum-dum...AWAKE even though surgeon Terrence Howard is about to slice him open on the operating table! Again...dum-dum-dummmmmmmm. Whatever."

JE: "I think you raise a good point. How is it that Christensen was so good in 'Shattered Glass,' and yet the combination of Lucas' failures in the script for the prequels and Christensen's wooden delivery has tainted his career. It seems like playing young sexy Darth would be a good thing for your career. But ouch. I'll take a pass on this one...to see 'JUMPER' instead. You know Jonsey, Anywhere is Possible."

Kurt Kobain- About a Son

VPJ: "Even though I was a few years too old to be as devastated by Kobain's passing as my grunge-tastic brethren and sistren, I liked Nirvana a lot, and this documentary coupling audio interviews snippets with images of Kobain's haunts is a haunting, meditative rumination on a good songwriter and a seemingly decent, messed up guy. Maybe a 'for fans only' watch, but, well, there are still a lot of fans out there..."

JE: "I'd say there are definitely more than a few fans out there still. It's interesting to see something that honestly defines a generation. I know its not the same as a president dying or anything, but I think there are those milestones for people our age, and Cobain's suicide is one of them. It just caught a lot of people off guard and left so much undone. The other good thing about this film is - and you'll have to pardon the phrase - is that it's without the sideshow and spin. It's stripped down, only his words and video."

Finally, here are Mr. Jones's recommendations for more new DVD goodness on the shelves of Videoport this week:

The Rocket: "Hockey fans rejoice! This Canadian puck drama follows the career of Maurice 'The Rocket' Richard, a Quebecois lad who, in the rough-and-tumble 50s, fought to prove that French-speaking Canadians can play hockey just as well as English-speaking Canadians. Still, as much as I have little use for the perennial third runner-up in the American sports landscape, I love a good inspirational sports movie, and I hear this is a good 'un."

Days of Darkness: "ZOMBIES! Videoport brings in a new zombie movie! I don't know much about this 2007 release except, of course, ZOMBIES!! Pretty much all I need..."

There it is, another 10-15 minutes of your life you could have spent reading something more worthwhile. Thanks for not doing that. Before you go, consider the following:

- Could you ever give up everything you had and disappear into nature?
- Where do you stand on the Halle Berry debate? Overrated, run-of-the-mill, or underrated?
- What's your favorite Troy McClure movie title?
- Hayden Christensen...what happened there?

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