I spent most of yesterday nursing a bottle of cough syrup and some Zicam, hence the absence in blog world. But fear not, because Videoport Jones never sleeps.
Well, he rarely sleeps. He's just that dedicated – some may say obsessed – with movies.

Here's this week's new releases.

The Game Plan

Videoport Jones:"Dwayne Johnson, aka THE ROCK! stars as a self-centered quarterback who has an illegitimate daughter dropped off on the doorstep of his swingin' bachelor pad and learns the true meaning of, um, Christmas, or family, or maybe long-division...I've got it written down somewhere. But I kid Mr. The Rock's foray into family-friendly, "One Man and a Little Lady" Disney territory. Seriously, though, the camera loves the Rock, and so, I must admit, do I. Dude's got charisma to spare, and seems like he could even have something like a real movie career (unlike, say, his WWE pals Kane, Steve Austin, and John Cena, who should stick to the squared circle). I find myself, in despite of massively awful reviews, looking forward to the People's Champion's turn in the still-as-yet-unreleased 'Southland Tales.' Vive la Rock, and a people's elbow to his naysayers!"

Justin: "Jones, you surprise me some times. I'll grant you that The Rock does seem to have better chops than most athlete/rapper–turned–actor and seems like a personable guy. And I too am anxious to see 'Southland Tales' if it ever sees the light of day. But still, to put this in reviewer–speak, 'This gameplan's from an old and tired playbook.' Sorry, but I've seen this contrived plot trotted out too many times to give it a second thought. Disney already did this a few years back with Vin Diesel. And oh yeah, they're all just aping 'Suburban Commando.' Not to get on a soap box or anything, but why not try and get original with these 'man finds out what it really means to be a father' tales?"

Sydney White
VPJ: "Amanda Bynes is a teeny actress of some sort. Huh, weird. Anyway, she flounces through this apparently 'Snow White'-inspired college comedy, much, one assumes, to the squeally delight of, well, someone."

JE: "Some actors and actresses you feel should just go into the wilderness for a few years and come back to movies later. It's not that Amanda Bynes is bad, no, I think she's a decent young actress who has a following. But she keeps ending up in flicks like this, which yes, I know, are aimed at the squeally masses of 'tweener' girls, but still think are worthless nonetheless. But then again, I thought 'Clueless' was hilarious when I saw it when I was young."

Saw 4

VPJ: "Saw four what? Oh right, severed limbs... Yup, people are still being lured into impossibly Rube Goldberg-ian deathtraps and hacked into bloody stump-meat. I know I give obscene torture-porn a hard time, and for that I apologize; I AM a horror aficionado, and even like extreme gore when it's done well ('Dead Alive,' the 'Evil Dead' Movies, the original 'Dawn of the Dead,' 'Re-Animator,' 'May,' others), but, see, there's thins thing called acting...Oh, and this other thing called plausibility, and its cousin originality. And this third sequel is just another cynical rehash of a money-making formula. Bad acting, no soul. Pass."

JE: "If my voice wasn't already hoarse from being sick, it would be from deriding torture porn. I guess there's not much more we can say other than, we don't get it. But seriously, what is it going to take for people to stop walking into death traps? Also, I think the term 'money–milking' would be better for this franchise. I'm willing to bet another one is on the way within a matter of months."

Missionary Man

VPJ: "Written and directed by, AND starring Dolph Lundgren as, I'm just spitballing here, a guy who punches people until things turn out okay, this direct-to-DVD actioner is worth your time for one reason only: did I mention Dolph Lundgren!? Forget the humorous internet list of things attributed to that right wing, hairy, little goblin has–been Chuck Norris, check out these actual facts about Doplh: has a Masters degree in chemical engineering, was offered a Fulbright scholarship to MIT, coached the US pentathlon team at the Olympics, holds a third degree black belt in kyokushinaki karate and was European and Australian karate champion, speaks three languages fluently (three more than Norris), and plays the drums. If only he could act, he'd be ruling us all by now..."

JE: "Whoa man. Whoa. His political choices aside, let's not go trashing Chuck. See a little flick called 'Lone Wolf McQuade' and get back to me. He gets buried alive in his truck, and drives it out of the ground only after reviving himself with a beer. And he goes toe–to–toe with David Carradine. Heck YES! Uh, anyway, I got nothing against Dolph...except maybe that really bad Punisher movie he made. Viva Dolph!"

Moilere and Klimt

VPJ: "Not a wacky, artistic buddy movie, these are two dueling biopics of the famous playwright and painter, respectively. Videoport rules..."

JE: "Only at Videoport ladies and gentlemen. If you need to look up who these guys are, that's OK too."

The Hunting Party

VPJ: "Richard Gere and Terrence Howard star in this satirical action comedy about two reporters searching for a Serbian war criminal who get mistaken for a CIA hit squad. Try as I might, I can't dislike Gere, despite, well, everything. Flop after flop, bland following more bland, he just keeps on plugging away, god bless 'im. Videoport's Sam (aka blues legend-in-the-making Samuel James) vouches for this one, and that's good enough for me."

JE: "You can't dislike Richard Gere? Really? I feel like aside from this and the flick he did last year about Clifford Irving and the Howard Hughes book, he ends up playing the same type of guy in films. Either it's some righteous cop/lawyer/government agent/activist, or husband caught in a bad situation, or as an escort, or man who enjoys escorts. OK, that last one was a cheap shot. Still, if you and Mr. James give this one a nod, I'll relent and give it a try."

Family Guy – Blue Harvest
VPJ:"Man, do I dislike this show. Mean, indifferently voiced, with shrill, worthless characters and horrible storylines, it's the anti-Simpsons. Whatever, the dog and the baby occasionally make me laugh. Anyway, this is their hour-long 'Star Wars' parody, thirty years too late. Real timely satire, guys."

JE: Whoa whoa Jones! Such vitriol! I'm learning that 'Family Guy' splits into two camps, those that enjoy it and those who hate it. I'll admit it's become something bigger and more intolerable than the show that Fox originally canceled. Yes, some times the jokes are cheap and telegraphed. Yes, sometimes the plots feel recycled. But I still give it a watch now and then. While the 'Star Wars' parody was clearly a stunt, it was OK. But if you think this wasn't timely, what about 'Robot Chicken's' hilarious 'Star Wars' special?"

Finally, here's Mr. Jones' picks for what's new on the shelves of Videoport this week.

"Torchwood" – Season 1: "Attention sci-fi nerds! The first season of this 'Dr. Who' spinoff series about some hot, young baddie-fighters is now at Videoport! Leave your basements, if only for an outing to our shelves! That is all..."

Helvetica: "It's that edge-of-your-seat, wet-your-pants exciting font documentary you were waiting for!"

Annnnnd on that note, let's get out of here. First, a few questions?

Is the 'man adjusts to being a dad' plot still funny? Is the Rock a passable actor? The "Saw" movies...why do people still go? In a rooftop fight between Chuck Norris and Dolph Lundgren, who wins? What about on the written exam? Family Guy - funny, shrill, or neither? How does their "Star Wars" parody match up with "Robot Chicken?"

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