Spending New Years with Prince, Brother Ali, Hüsker Dü and Adrian Petersen took a lot out of me. Combine that with the fact that Portland is getting more snowed in than Minneapolis, and I'll be out for a few more days. In the meantime, here's today's substitute teacher...Mr. Videoport Jones, doing what he loves the most, talking about this week's new releases on DVD.

WAR: "Yes, I am choosing to bestow the coveted "ALL CAPS" honor to this reteaming of British soccer hooligan Jason Statham ('The One,' 'Snatch,' 'Crank,' 'The Transporter,' Blam, Smash, KaPow), and cheery looking little Chinese fella who could remove my bicuspids before I had time to say "hey..." Jet Li ('The One,' 'Romeo Is Bleeding,' 'Once Upon a Time in China,' 'Hero,' etc). It's not a sequel to 'The One,' which is no doubt fortunate, but sure to fulfill the ouchie quotient of even the most demanding violence fan. Forget Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan, these two dudes have a real, if completely unlikely, charisma. Pow, indeed."

Shoot 'Em Up "While perhaps not caps-worthy, this action comedy gets over-the-top points for the great cast (Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti, Monica Bellucci), the winkingly meta title (second only to the equally fun 'Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang,') and the gunfights whilst skydiving, and sexin'."

resident evil: extinction: "And I am taking the caps away from the title of this limp monstrosity which manages to make two impossible things completely boring- Milla Jovovich naked, and zombies. Seriously, that combination alone should be enough to keep an audience's attention, but this second-sequel-to-a-freaking-video-game-adaptation pulls it off. Way to go, geniuses, NO CAPS FOR YOU!"

Jimmy and Judy: "Edward Furlong continues to try and look dangerous in this 'Natural Born Killers' wannabe. That's so cute..."

The Tudors: "Showtime, meanwhile, continues to try and be the next HBO with this saucy, bloody take on Henry VIII and his wife-beheadin', wench-beddin' ways. Sneery, sexy Brit Jonathan Rhys Meyers follows up his cool Elvis, with another charismatic, complicated icon. Although Elvis (according to Public Enemy, was "straight up racist"), at least he didn't start a whole church just so he could continue to wed a succession of quickly-shorter ladies. I mean, I'm not saying Elvis wasn't tempted to have the boys lop off Cybil Shepard's dome, but, to be fair, he didn't do it..."

September Dawn: "John Voight dawns yet another silly beard to play a frontier patriarch smack in the middle of a Mormon vs. settler massacre. Man, the Mormons are having a tough PR year: this flick, that whole underage-wives-polygamist trial, Mitt Romney, for cryin' out loud... ouch."

American Pie: Beta House: "Yeah, this series is still marching on, boxers around its ankles, and straight to DVD. I am starting a whip-round to raise money so Eugene Levy doesn't have to do these anymore, by the way."

To get more Videoport Jones you can check out his blog and weekly video report or just stop in at Videoport.

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