Christmas (or Hanukkah) does not come just once a year if you are a movie fiend. No, it comes every Tuesday when the new DVD and CD releases hit the shelves.

I'll do us all a favor and skip the Santa Claus and Hanukkah Harry jokes, and just say Videoport Jones is here with a great big sack of witticism, criticism and joy.

"The Sopranos" Season 6, Part 2

VPJ:"And thus the whacking was ended... One of the greatest shows in TV history finally puts itself to bed with the long-awaited DVD release. (HBO makes everyone wait an unconscionably long time for each season of their admittedly worth-waiting for shows; maaaaaybe so people will get fed up and order the complete HBO package from their cable company? Hmmmm...?) Anyway, David Chase was quoted in this week's Entertainment Weekly, essentially calling fans who were disappointed by his series' ending simpletons, and calling their desire to have a less ambiguous finale 'pathetic' and 'disgusting.' Tee-hee-hee..."

JE: "I never got the Sopranos mania that swept most of the nation, and the Press Herald Newsroom. Seriously, it was bad. The CDC had to quarantine the place, complete with those guys in plastic ET suits. Having watched early seasons and then losing interest (a combination of time and unwillingness to pay for HBO) I have no frame of reference for the final season, but, got to hear waaaaay to much about the finale. And frankly, I don't care. There. I said it. As someone who does get obsessed about TV shows (don't ask me about the current season of 'Friday Night Lights') I can understand devotion, but at the same time I never get when people feel like they are owed something by a TV shows producers and creators."

"Mr. Brooks"

VPJ: "There's a serial killer on the loose! And he's played by Kevin Costner. Ouch. Sorry, but when he's not in a baseball uniform, I just don't have much use for the Cost' these days. And, seeing as he's aided by fellow has-been Demi Moore and future 'Hollywood Squares' lower-right square Dane Cook, I think, sadly, not."

JE: "Wow. You hit all the bases there Jonsey. Well done. I feel like this movie was all on Costner's agent - 'Think about it Kevin. This is edgy, this is new territory for you, a chance to reinvent yourself. I think you should do it.' And I know its in vogue to bash Dane Cook these days, but even if it wasn't, who could possible take him seriously in "thriller?" This movie will not be Swiffering the nation."

"Hostel - Part 2"

VPJ: "More torture porn, kids! And this time you get to see pretty young actresses tormented and molested for an hour and a half. I know that expressing my disdain for this current cinematic trend in this manner is like trying to keep ants away by building a wall of gooey caramel, but, well, I'd feel dirty if I didn't at least make some sort of feeble dissenting voice in the darkness. Love horror movies, still think Eli Roth is a talentless jerk."

JE: "Hey did you see that a new Saw is coming out, and the script for the sequel to that is already in the works? Huh? Wha? What happened to this country? Again, I don't want to hate on anyone, especially if you can find a way to make money (legally), but at what point do you go to these movies and just get queasy? At what point do you say 'Oh, I saw this disemboweling in the last movie?' Do you get desensitized to it? I don't want to come off as some cranky old dude who does not get what the kids like - but if these were medical programs people would not watch. But hey, as long as Hollywood has hot young starlets, there will always be slasher flicks."

"The L Word" - season 4

VPJ: "See, HBO, Showtime can bring out a series DVD at a reasonable clip. The fourth season of this lesbian-themed (the titular "L") drama maintains its popularity at Videoport and features one of this earth's most enduring beautiful women Pam Grier. And now Justin will mention my fascination with talented older actresses and, know what?, I don't even care..."

JE: "You know, in this case, I am going to second that. Pam Grier - just gets better with age. And before I go on to talking about 'Jackie Brown,' I'll just say the only other thing I know about this show is that it has Jennifer Beals, a fact that should make most people go, 'Wow. Haven't heard that name in a long time.' I'll stop there before I go into my fascination with Jennifer Beals."

"The Tripper"

VPJ: "David Arquette pulls an Orson Welles by directing, writing and starring in this horror satire about a Ronald Reagan wannabe who takes out his right-wing psychosis in the traditional Republican way - by slaughtering a hack full of Dave Matthews fans (aka: smelly hippies)."

JE: "Wow. If not for the fact that you say it was written, directed by and stars David Arquette, I may have some interest in seeing this movie. Damn dirty hippies, ruining America with their patchouli stink and hemp necklaces and drum circles..."

"Fido"

VPJ: "Weird indie entry into the nascent "zom-com" genre, this curio stars Billy Connolly as a domesticated zombie in a retro-futuristic suburbia who turns out to be a little less docile than one would hope for in a zombie/servant. While no 'Shaun of the Dead,' certainly, any zombie flick is worth a glance, and Connolly's a funny comedian (although I don't know how well his peerless comic timing is going to come through in the role)."

JE: "Zombies are hot right now. So very, very hot. Why is that?"

"Home of the Brave"

VPJ: "Well-intentioned but obvious-seeming 'Iraq war vets coming home' drama stars those gritty, battle-hardened veterans Jessica Biel and Chad Michael Murray. Whoo-boy. Also starring the unrelated Jacksons Samuel L. and Curtis (aka 50 Cent)."

JE: "I know that when I think of veterans, I think of Jessica Biel and Chad Michael Murray. Interesting fact, this movie had a premiere in Maine over at the Nickelodeon, complete with a red carpet and Gov. John Baldacci."

"Into Great Silence"

VPJ: "Who's up for a three-hour, nearly-wordless documentary about French monks who've taken a vow of silence? Well, so do I actually; great reviews, good word-of-mouth from trustworthy Videoporters, and did I mention silent French monks?! I'm there!"

JE: "..."

"Meet the Robinsons"

VPJ: "Disney's near-moribund animation division cranked this one out in its ineffectual effort to make it alienating Pixar seem not a colossal, company-crippling blunder. Oh, and it was 60% re-shot nearly a year after it was originally completed after disastrous test screenings. That's a good sign."

JE: "This one was a big head scratcher. It was so transparent. We're trying to hearken back to our great animation tradition, and tie-in the history of our parks, our company, and good ol' Uncle Walt. Too bad you don't have the best animators or storytellers on the block anymore. As you point out, the timing of this could not have been worse when it hit theaters, right in the middle of the messy divorce with Pixar. (As we all know they reconciled.) I guess once you put money into something, you can't scrap it. I know I had no idea what it was about just from looking at the trailers, so how did kids do with it?"

"Crazy Love"

VPJ: "From the "too-freaking-improbable-to-believe" department comes this documentary about a happily married middle aged couple. Fine, except that, decades earlier, he had stalked her after she rejected him and he went to prison after hiring two thugs to throw acid in her face. Heartwarming? I guess...?"

JE: "Oh yes. Oh hell and damn yes. I've read a lot about this and it is insane. There is no better word for this than insane. If it did not happen it would be dismissed as soap opera dribble. Burt Pugach hires someone to throw lye into his would-be wife's face...and today they're happily married? The film supposedly provides a look at what it means to be in love, the roots of love, and of course obsession. But man, wow. If being in love means blinding your lady, then yikes. Just yikes."

Finally, here's a few new release picks from Mr. Jones:

Just for Justin, Videoport brings in the first season of the acclaimed (and generally unwatched) high school football drama "Friday Night Lights!!!!!" Just for you J-man!

And Videoport adds two stellar arrivals to its Criterion section with Terrance Malick's classic "Days of Heaven" and John Huston's "Under the Volcano" (starring Albert Finney).

WOOT! Do yourselves a favor and go rent the first season of "FNL." I'll make you a first disk guarantee - if you don't like at least one episode off the first disk, then return it to Videoport, no questions asked.
But seriously, give it a chance.

To finish off today, here's a few questions - Do TV producers, directors and creators owe their fans anything? Why do people hate on Dane Cook? Why is torture porn the hot genre of the moment? Are Disney movies crap without the word "Pixar" attached to it? Did you see "Crazy Love?"

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